I've been walking around for about a month now with a huge knotted ball of yarn in my head. It's very annoying. I find myself looking at the end result of circumstances and I pick up the end to follow the yarn back to find the truth and I end up in a knot, in the middle of the mess. Did I tell you it was annoying? Very. annoying. I've been on the journey the past few years and through out the journey I have been very much seeking truth. I have realized that so much of my life, my past, my family, relationships were all built on lies. I have been told so many stories by different family members, I don't even know if they know the truth anymore. So when God began putting things in my life in order, truth was at the top of my list. To find it, to live it. So now, as I struggle to find truth, I find myself very much undone and unable to cope. I find myself questioning relationships, questioning people that I love and respect. Trying to make what I am seeing line up with the truth that I have been told, or has been shown in their actions (and let's all admit, the truth that is shown is sometimes way more powerful than the truth that is told). Needless to say it's been a very hard few weeks. I've cried, been angry, frustrated, wanted to run away, wanted to NEVER leave my house again, had anxiety attacks, and felt on the very edge of a complete breakdown. Every person I see has come up and asked me why I look so distressed. (The fact I can't hide my feelings, also very annoying). I've spent more time in the bathroom than anyone ever should (I'm a stress pooper) which I know may be TMI but my blog, my TMI. I even went to the grocery store and decided I would eat a whole box of cookies, cause, you know, it would make me feel better. I couldn't do it, it made me sick. then I sat in condemnation for once again seeking solace in something that is so detrimental to my health. So at the end of myself, one of my spiritual mamma's invited me to a women's retreat at her church, her husband (who is also a pastor) even volunteered to watch my boys. Of course I told her no, and that I knew her husband had better things to do and politely declined because I felt so guilty. So Sat morning I dropped my kids off with her husband (she convinced me) and off I went. It was a bootcamp style retreat with lessons on several different things. I don't think I could tell you what all was taught about because all I heard in every lesson was SURRENDER & TRUST. As I sat in the last small group of the day and listened to a sweet young lady talk about something I don't remember, God very clearly spoke to me. He said "You are so busy trying to find the truth, that you have missed knowing the truth that I will always take care of you, in every circumstance". Ok. then I began my arguing of but God you told me to seek truth... I TOLD YOU TO SEEK ME. But I don't know who to trust... YOU CAN ALWAYS TRUST ME...But God, my job my family... YOUR MINE AND I HAVE YOU.... ok. I surrender. THAT'S ALL I NEEDED. During the closing session of worship, I stood in the back of the sanctuary alone, turned to the wall and repented. I repented for not trusting that God would take care of me. I repented to for reaching the point of desperation that I had reached. Today, I see God. I know he has a plan. I know he will take care of me. Whatever that looks like. I have to know and trust that He will take care of everything that concerns my life.
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6: 25-34
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Amazing people do not just happen
I flew to Dallas this past weekend to go to the wedding of my cousin. Now this particular group of family are some of my favorite people. Suzanne, my cousin, is the daughter of my mom's brother, Duane, also known as the silver fox among my girlfriends. Suzanne is one of those people who I've had an instant love affair with. We have so much in common and I'm able to share such a deep part of my heart with her. Her children have grown into interesting, fun, amazing people. At her son's reception he stood up and thanked his new inlaws, the friends and family that helped make the day possible and everyone who came to watch them start their new lives. Then with much emotion he thanked his parents for teaching him how to be a man of God. How to love and serve God and others. How to speak truth. How to live a life pleasing to God. As I listened to such sincere, heartfelt gratitude I knew amazing people like this just don't happen. They are borne from the fire. They are created from years on the potters wheel. And I prayed... God the wisdom to do that only comes from you and may one day may children be able to thank me and Jeremy for teaching them how to be amazing.
Monday, March 26, 2012
One Whisper from God
I've started writing 3 or 4 times the past few weeks and had to erase and start over. Maybe today I will get out what is so deeply in my heart.
As you know the past few weeks have been a huge struggle. I have felt so beaten up and abused emotionally that this weekend I actually thought to myself "God please take me now, because I can't do this anymore". I've been amazed at how connected my emotions are to my desire to eat and hugely blessed because even though I wanted to stop and get a dozen KK donuts, I didn't. I called Christine and poured my heart out, let her love me through it and the donuts weren't necessary. I've been having migraines on top of everything else which forced me Friday to go to my sweet Heather's house in the middle of the day and say if you can't make it go away I'm going to the ER. She massaged, rubbed, prayed, loved, talked and left me to lay in peace for about 30 min. It was exactly what I needed. I'm learning more and more through this process that I am different. That I am called to be different. And when I try to force myself to fit in the expectations and beliefs of others that it sets off alarms in my spirit and my body, and if I don't heed the warnings my body revolts. A couple of weeks ago I went to my mom's with our box truck and some of my boys from work to pick up the furniture that was coming home with me. I got to the house before everyone else and it was the first time I've been there by myself since she passed away. (I hate typing that. I HATE it!). As I walked through the house, I felt at home, which I haven't felt since the funeral. There's something about your parents house. Even if you didn't grow up in it, when you visit, it's your parents home. You are comfortable, you are safe, it represents them in your life. I haven't had that feeling the last few months, but in those few precious moments as I walked around, touching everything, it felt like home and I started sobbing. I melted into the floor and for about an hour just sobbed and sobbed. For the brief time it was my mom's house again and I was welcome and I just cried out all the pain, hurt feelings, rejection and abondoment that I have been feeling since losing my parents and the months following. They were amazing tears that cleansed deep places in my heart. I needed that so badly. The truck arrived and as they loaded furniture we talked about her house, and her things. One guy picked up some old cologne bottles that were shaped like cars and said "Hey, my grandfather had one of these" and we talked about the large "collection" of everything that she had and we laughed at some of the really weird items. I got to share who my mom was and all the things she shared with me, the legacy that I have because of the doors she opened for me. I talked about how much my mom loved Waypoint and how she loved coming to our monthly lunch and how she would have made over them for getting their life on track. How she would have written their names down and prayed for them. She loved people. She didn't always know how to show it in socially acceptable ways, but she loved people. I get that from her. I value relationships more than any "thing". I see the value in people and I know that they can't be replaced. I would rather save a relationship and lose everything. I'm thankful for that in
my life.
This past Sunday as I sat in our monthly Tree of Life meeting (a ministry that I work with that does counseling and teaching) God began to trigger my heart and show me more of the root of all the rejection, abondonment, etc. (This will make sense to my EH peeps, others just ask and I will try to explain) I realized the hurt I carried from my childhood and the hurt I feel now were exactly the same. Because as I struggle with having healthy relationships in my family, I realized that I NEVER felt like I fit in my family. I always felt different. My memories as a child all revolve around people telling me I was in the way, I talked to much and I was obnoxious. I was always seen as irresponsible, the baby of the family and I felt like I had no value. I see that I have spent my whole life looking for people who would love me FOR me, not in SPITE of me. I wanted to show them that I am worth loving for me and I've finally realized that I can't convince them. Sunday, God just held me heart and assured me that He knows my pain, He understands and that is why He gave me the people in my life that have filled that void. Someone told me, I think it was my sweet Heather, "everyone you meet loves you. Stop trying to be something your not" . Well I hear you. After intense feelings of hopelessness, depression and feeling alone, of crying all the time and falling into bed exhausted, this morning something broke. One word, one whisper from God changes everything. I just needed to hear from Him.
Maybe you are struggling. Maybe you can't seem to find the answer you need. Ask God. I promise He knows what you need and when you need it.
As you know the past few weeks have been a huge struggle. I have felt so beaten up and abused emotionally that this weekend I actually thought to myself "God please take me now, because I can't do this anymore". I've been amazed at how connected my emotions are to my desire to eat and hugely blessed because even though I wanted to stop and get a dozen KK donuts, I didn't. I called Christine and poured my heart out, let her love me through it and the donuts weren't necessary. I've been having migraines on top of everything else which forced me Friday to go to my sweet Heather's house in the middle of the day and say if you can't make it go away I'm going to the ER. She massaged, rubbed, prayed, loved, talked and left me to lay in peace for about 30 min. It was exactly what I needed. I'm learning more and more through this process that I am different. That I am called to be different. And when I try to force myself to fit in the expectations and beliefs of others that it sets off alarms in my spirit and my body, and if I don't heed the warnings my body revolts. A couple of weeks ago I went to my mom's with our box truck and some of my boys from work to pick up the furniture that was coming home with me. I got to the house before everyone else and it was the first time I've been there by myself since she passed away. (I hate typing that. I HATE it!). As I walked through the house, I felt at home, which I haven't felt since the funeral. There's something about your parents house. Even if you didn't grow up in it, when you visit, it's your parents home. You are comfortable, you are safe, it represents them in your life. I haven't had that feeling the last few months, but in those few precious moments as I walked around, touching everything, it felt like home and I started sobbing. I melted into the floor and for about an hour just sobbed and sobbed. For the brief time it was my mom's house again and I was welcome and I just cried out all the pain, hurt feelings, rejection and abondoment that I have been feeling since losing my parents and the months following. They were amazing tears that cleansed deep places in my heart. I needed that so badly. The truck arrived and as they loaded furniture we talked about her house, and her things. One guy picked up some old cologne bottles that were shaped like cars and said "Hey, my grandfather had one of these" and we talked about the large "collection" of everything that she had and we laughed at some of the really weird items. I got to share who my mom was and all the things she shared with me, the legacy that I have because of the doors she opened for me. I talked about how much my mom loved Waypoint and how she loved coming to our monthly lunch and how she would have made over them for getting their life on track. How she would have written their names down and prayed for them. She loved people. She didn't always know how to show it in socially acceptable ways, but she loved people. I get that from her. I value relationships more than any "thing". I see the value in people and I know that they can't be replaced. I would rather save a relationship and lose everything. I'm thankful for that in
my life.
This past Sunday as I sat in our monthly Tree of Life meeting (a ministry that I work with that does counseling and teaching) God began to trigger my heart and show me more of the root of all the rejection, abondonment, etc. (This will make sense to my EH peeps, others just ask and I will try to explain) I realized the hurt I carried from my childhood and the hurt I feel now were exactly the same. Because as I struggle with having healthy relationships in my family, I realized that I NEVER felt like I fit in my family. I always felt different. My memories as a child all revolve around people telling me I was in the way, I talked to much and I was obnoxious. I was always seen as irresponsible, the baby of the family and I felt like I had no value. I see that I have spent my whole life looking for people who would love me FOR me, not in SPITE of me. I wanted to show them that I am worth loving for me and I've finally realized that I can't convince them. Sunday, God just held me heart and assured me that He knows my pain, He understands and that is why He gave me the people in my life that have filled that void. Someone told me, I think it was my sweet Heather, "everyone you meet loves you. Stop trying to be something your not" . Well I hear you. After intense feelings of hopelessness, depression and feeling alone, of crying all the time and falling into bed exhausted, this morning something broke. One word, one whisper from God changes everything. I just needed to hear from Him.
Maybe you are struggling. Maybe you can't seem to find the answer you need. Ask God. I promise He knows what you need and when you need it.
Monday, March 12, 2012
The YES before Him
Had
dinner last week with some great amazing people from Elijah House who were in
to spend some time with our group. As they shared and prayed with me Sue told
me to make sure that I put my YES before Him. I thought it
sounded great but I really didn't get the full force and meaning of it until
today. Normally I love weekends like this. Lots of togetherness with all the
people that I love the most, lots of worship, lots of great words coming out,
lots of just good ole sop it up with a biscuit presence of God. But all weekend
I fought to engage and participate. I was so tired and felt so drained and so
wiped out that I didn't even enjoy it. Which is really weird for me. I'm
usually up for anything. Saturday night we had service and it was wonderful,
left the church about 9 and I could barely keep my eyes open to drive. Sunday
night we had another service and on the way there both my kids had major
meltdown (in their defense I was gone every night last week and then all
weekend) and so I decided to bow out of the service and stay home with them. As
I sat at home with my kids, just spending time with them and investing in them,
and still feeling exhausted I was overcome with guilt for not being there to
play, and for letting down Jeremy, for letting down Kerri, for letting down
Bill and Sue and even for letting my kids down and pushing them to their point
of breakdown. But today I realized. I finally realized what Sue was sharing
with me and what God was trying to effect in my life. God has called me to a
path. He has put a destiny, and a purpose that is for me. My answer is YES with no backing out, no letting go. I have never been as
exhausted as I was this weekend. When I tell you it was weird, it was weird. I
couldn't even engage in what was happening. It was like a slumber had just come
on me. Which I know some of you may not understand but just trust me it was
weird. I don't know why that happened. I don't know if God let me feel that way
to show me that I have to push through it or if I felt that way so He could
teach me boundaries of what my kids can handle, but as I sit here tonight I
know that regardless of the reason, it pushed me today to seek Him and to try
and find out what was happening. The result is that I know that I can't stop
the race just because I'm tired, or overwhelmed or frustrated or..., or....,
or...... Get the point? I have lots of excuses that I can use. Lot's of outs
that I can take but if I do that I miss out. This translates to my spiritual
walk and my physical walk. I'm working to be healthy. I've made a decision to
eat differently and make better food choices. Regardless of my mood and even my
convenience (cause believe me, with all the sports, theater and practices, it's
a whole lot easier to swing through a drive-thru) I have to make up my mind before the decision is there or I sabotage
everything I have worked for. So my answer is YES. No backing down. No
leaving the path. No matter what falls in the road. No matter what I move
forward. I don't stop. I don't quit. I have given my YES and that cancels out every No that comes after it. The beautiful
part is that when the big dead tree falls in the road, I am surrounded by
people that will help me cut it out of the way. People that will help drag the
dead limbs so that I can keep going. People that see the vines growing in my
heart and around my life that will say "hey... if you don't get rid of that it's
going to stop you so let me help you trim that." What an amazing analogy of my
journey. What an amazing picture. It makes me wish I could paint it just so I
could see it on paper the way I see it so vividly in my mind. So my answer is YES and I want to challenge you. What is God calling you to do or to
be? What goals do you have for yourself? Put your YES out there. Put the YES before everything else so that it is ingrained and there is no
other option. Because really what option do you have that is better than what
He has for you?
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Mind. Body. Spirit.
It's been a hard couple of weeks for me. One week I didn't lose any weight and was so stressed because of the emotional stuff I talked about in my last blog which reached it's peak of suckiness after a phone call on Sunday night. This week I tweaked my eating some more and I've lost like 3 lbs. I also talked to my cousin, Suzanne. You know there's a saying that goes "To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world". That was Suzanne for me this week. I called her to just share where I was, and God must of known that was who I needed to talk to. She just encouraged me and loved on me and helped me find truth in the midst of opinions and accusations and just emotional mud. I am constantly amazed and humbled at how God is going before me and helping me. I am also learning that some people just won't get it and that is ok. It's not the end of my world if people don't know my heart. I just have to follow the heart of God, listen, obey, repent if needed and move on. I'm also learning so much about myself and where I struggle to forgive people who hurt me and don't understand me. I'm trying to find the root of why that bothers me so much. So I'm sure there is a prayer ministry session in my future. (actually calling Janet right now as I type to see if she can meet with me this week) I'm also in finding out that seeking why my answer when I'm upset is the whole comfort food thing. So lots to work on in myself right now. It's overwhelming, but I'm handling it one bite at a time. (No pun intended). I'm learning to lean on those who love me, set boundaries where needed and seek God always in every circumstance. It's still a long process, but I see myself changing, growing and moving in the right direction. I know that only in dealing with my issues will I be completely whole and healthy. Mind, Body, Spirit. It's all connected. I line up my eating habits, my thought processes, my relationship with God. He created a beautiful machine in our bodies that when all 3 are working properly, it allows us to flow and exist in His plan for our lives. It is such an amazing thing and something I never fully grasped until I started this process. So amazing, so life changing, so life affirming. So part of my journey that I am on right now.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Struggling
Can I just tell you that I'm struggling today? Last night was the Ash Wednesday service at my church and while I really abhor anything about traditional worship, it is my favorite service of the year. (I'm not knocking traditional worship, it's just not for me. I'm more of a free bird) Last year my mom came with me to the service and it was wonderful. I just cried the whole night. I'm so thankful for the people in my church who just came and sat by me and let me cry. You know in losing people, and I've lost many the last 3 years, I've learned something. From my parents, to a guy that was like my brother, and friends it's been interesting to see that when people die we remember the good and we tend to forget the bad. My brother was an amazing person. He was funny, smart, and so unique, but he was also a pain in the ass (which I say with a smile on my face, b/c it was live entertainment to watch it, unless you were the target). I've been pushing down some of the issues with my mom b/c I miss her so much and that outweighs everything. This weekend though, I came face to face with it.
As you know I went to my mom's last weekend and it was so hard. I found a letter that my mom wrote 13 years ago and emailed to my in-laws. It was 4 pages long in an 8pt font. The letter basically shared every frustration she had with me. My mom and I had reached a good place in prob the last 4 years. Through Elijah House and lots of counseling I had learned to just love her for who she was and put really good boundaries. We had our typically issues but my mom had lived a very hard life and had lots of struggles. She was very wounded and wounded people hurt others. She shared every detail of my house not being clean enough for her, financial problems, her opinion that I was a bad mother and didn't know how to take care of my baby (who was 7 mnths old and cried all the time from colic) and a whole other slew of slanderous things. She talked about the family that I moved in with when I was 15-( I moved in because she kicked me out). They took me in and raised me and there always animosity between them and her. From her because she was jealous of my relationship with them and from them because they were appalled at the things she said and did. I was simply thankful to see how a normal family operated. It was a place where I felt safe and taken care of. But reading her opinions and comment, I am devastated. I feel like I have been shot in the gut and there is nothing to heal it. I have found myself wanting to eat more since this weekend. I'm hurting so bad because there is no resolution to it, and apparantly my solution to the pain is food. While I know that many of her opinions expressed were based on her viewpoint and not truth, it still hurts to know that she thought that in the first place. It hurt that she would share that with people that I love, peope that are my family, behind my back. Woven in the letter were small grains of truth that I know I've grown past, and I know that that's not who I am anymore, but it still hurt to see it, in writing and that my mom would do that.
So I'm processing alot this week and looking for the root and origin of the pain and why I want to eat when I'm hurting. It's an onion peel and I'm peeling back all of it so that I can be who I'm supposed to be. I don't know how to deal with it. Everytime I think about it again I cry and wonder why she would do that. As I pulled into Dahlonega Sunday afternoon I felt my whole body unclench and relax. As I went to dinner on Sunday night with a slew of my friends, some new, some I've had for a while, I had a massive meltdown. Because God has surrounded me with people who love me for me. People who don't care if my house is clean, or my beds made or if my kids say yes maam or yes sir. People who don't care if I'm appropriate or proper or any other expectations. People who are always on my side and have my back. They are amazing, loving, giving people who see the best in me, even when it's not, they choose the best. People who are just exactly what I need because God knows what I've been through. So please pray for me. I'm really struggling this week as I process what I read. And through it all I know that I have friends, who are really family, to help me through.
As you know I went to my mom's last weekend and it was so hard. I found a letter that my mom wrote 13 years ago and emailed to my in-laws. It was 4 pages long in an 8pt font. The letter basically shared every frustration she had with me. My mom and I had reached a good place in prob the last 4 years. Through Elijah House and lots of counseling I had learned to just love her for who she was and put really good boundaries. We had our typically issues but my mom had lived a very hard life and had lots of struggles. She was very wounded and wounded people hurt others. She shared every detail of my house not being clean enough for her, financial problems, her opinion that I was a bad mother and didn't know how to take care of my baby (who was 7 mnths old and cried all the time from colic) and a whole other slew of slanderous things. She talked about the family that I moved in with when I was 15-( I moved in because she kicked me out). They took me in and raised me and there always animosity between them and her. From her because she was jealous of my relationship with them and from them because they were appalled at the things she said and did. I was simply thankful to see how a normal family operated. It was a place where I felt safe and taken care of. But reading her opinions and comment, I am devastated. I feel like I have been shot in the gut and there is nothing to heal it. I have found myself wanting to eat more since this weekend. I'm hurting so bad because there is no resolution to it, and apparantly my solution to the pain is food. While I know that many of her opinions expressed were based on her viewpoint and not truth, it still hurts to know that she thought that in the first place. It hurt that she would share that with people that I love, peope that are my family, behind my back. Woven in the letter were small grains of truth that I know I've grown past, and I know that that's not who I am anymore, but it still hurt to see it, in writing and that my mom would do that.
So I'm processing alot this week and looking for the root and origin of the pain and why I want to eat when I'm hurting. It's an onion peel and I'm peeling back all of it so that I can be who I'm supposed to be. I don't know how to deal with it. Everytime I think about it again I cry and wonder why she would do that. As I pulled into Dahlonega Sunday afternoon I felt my whole body unclench and relax. As I went to dinner on Sunday night with a slew of my friends, some new, some I've had for a while, I had a massive meltdown. Because God has surrounded me with people who love me for me. People who don't care if my house is clean, or my beds made or if my kids say yes maam or yes sir. People who don't care if I'm appropriate or proper or any other expectations. People who are always on my side and have my back. They are amazing, loving, giving people who see the best in me, even when it's not, they choose the best. People who are just exactly what I need because God knows what I've been through. So please pray for me. I'm really struggling this week as I process what I read. And through it all I know that I have friends, who are really family, to help me through.
Monday, February 20, 2012
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