A Controlled Burn

I've been very weepy this week for some reason. Sometimes it is part of being a woman. Sometimes it's because I'm tired and don't get enough sleep. But sometimes, it's because God just has a fire poker straight at my heart and I can't get away from it. It was in the weepy place that found myself Sunday night pulling up youtube baptism services from the Brownsville Revival. My husband and I lived in Pensacola for a year during the Brownsville Revival. We watched thousands- truly thousands come to know Jesus in a very real way. We saw the alters flood at the end of every service. On Friday nights we watched dozens of people baptized and share about their deliverance from drugs and alcohol. Murderers, religious people, people from every walk of life, young and old. People who had worshipped Buddha throwing them away because of the power of the true and living God. It was something to behold. I found myself watching this on Sunday night and weeping as I listened to testimony after testimony. The kid who had written out a plan to murder his parents, while his mom prayed for him every night. Each story more powerful than the last. As I watched this I asked myself, God, do I still have the fire in my heart that I did back then?  I feel so different then I did back then. My prayers are different. I see people differently. In 1996 when we sold out, I remember that I looked on the world knowing that they needed Jesus, but I didn't see people. I prayed for souls, but I didn't see their faces. I didn't watch TV, or listen to anything but church music. I didn't associate with anyone that didn't love Jesus as much as I did. Did I really reflect the heart of God? Was I really as on fire for him as I thought? Fast forward almost 20 years. Add in life- children, marriage, heartbreak, brokenness, sin, passivity, death, grief, mourning. Add in that huge doses of humanity and humility. Tonight as I sit and ponder this path I see my own growth, my own setbacks, my own faults and I see one thing very clearly. The fire of God in my life is going to grow in many different ways. I had a huge fire for God back then but it was all heat. All it did was burn everyone I touched. No one was holy enough or righteous enough. The standards I held myself to and everyone else around me surrounded and burned at the stake all the people in my life. That type of fire destroys people and ruins relationship. Passionate, yes- but also destructive. Today, my fire burns a little differently. I want it to be hot- but white hot. I want people to see a flame that flickers and calls people to come close to the heart of the one who tends it. I have learned that my expectation of others has to be nothing. They owe me nothing. They don't have to live their lives to my belief system. My responsibility is to allow God to fan the flame in my heart- as I seek Him, call on Him and trust Him, He grows the fire into the direction that it is supposed to be. A controlled burn, that only burns away what doesn't belong and let me tell you- People are not supposed to be collateral damage of our passion for Jesus. Now I pray for faces- people with a name and a need. I love to watch Blacklist with my husband and Happy by Pharrell is my favorite song and my flame still burns. My heart still breaks for the people who need Him, but in a very real, in the dirt, mud on my knees sort of way.  I heard a song by Sanctus Real a couple of weeks ago that started this thought process. I've put the link below and would love to share it with you. The chorus says You were on fire and church was more than a place and people were more than faces and Jesus was more than a name. It's personal. It's so personal. It's you. It's me. It's Jesus. Light my fire again Lord. I want to hold God's people close and feel the power of Jesus' name. Amen.