Step out of your comfort zone where the water is fine....

I shared something this week with 598 women that I've never met. What I shared was a confession of something I struggled with for years and that no one, outside of my husband, knew about me. Something that I've never shared in years of womens meetings, teaching classes, writing or any other avenue. What made me share this tidbit of my life? I have no earthly idea.

One week ago I joined a group on facebook of women that weren't chosen to review Jen Hatmakers new book- For the Love (that is coming out in August so PRE-ORDER NOW!) This group has monopolized my life for the last week. In a short amount of time we have shared secrets, fears, worries, illnesses- all in the most grace filled cocoon I have ever seen in my life. My husband, ever the skeptic, said well it will be nice while everyone's on their best behavior, but eventually the humanness will seep in. That may be true except that this is the most raw, human place I've ever seen in my life. Maybe it's the anonimity of social media that makes it easy- except that I know so much about them and we all have each others numbers. Maybe it's  just people putting their best foot forward- cause you know we are all Christians- except that we aren't. It is the most ecclectic group of people, some who haven't been to church in years. These are the most broken, humble women that I have ever met. They have shared some of the most heart breaking, devastating parts of their lives only to face- LOVE. It's beautiful. It's safe. It's what the church is supposed to be. This group has shown me in for real, in your face, what love looks like. I feel so close to these strangers that have knitted together inside a little piece of my heart. Why is it that hundreds of women would just literally cut themselves open and throw their hearts out on a table? What is missing that is so foundational in our lives that we would do it with 598 complete strangers? I'll tell you what it is. It's because the church can only handle so much crap and people are desperate for truth. People sit on pews week in and week out without ever seeing any real change becuase they aren't real with themselves, much less real with each other. They hear you are loved in most worship music and it's usually preached from the pulpit, yet they sit in groups and listen to women just cut to smiterhined anyone who dares to step out of the box. They dare to speak up that they see something different and suddenly people walk by them and don't speak to them at all. We wonder why people aren't flocking to our churches but we have yet to come up with attendance requirements that we can all agree on, much less that someone can actually meet. I had someone tell me just this week they didn't come to church because they woke up late and knew how bad people talked about people coming in late. I wanted to find every person that ever said that and hit them with an alarm clock in the face. Do you hear that... SOMEONE STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH B/C YOU CARED WHAT TIME THEY GOT THERE- NOT THAT THEY GOT THERE.  We have a problem. Don't get me wrong, I love my church. I have pastors whose hearts are pushed toward those who need the body and I will shout from the mountaintops that I'm in a place that has a heart to get it right. We need our church. We all need church. But we need church they way that God designed church. God's plan was for the body to be His living hands and feet to all who need Him.

My (new) friend Renee wrote this blog here. (you must read it- it's fabulous) and as I read I was just crying and cheering and going yes yes yes! I decided something after reading it. I want to be brave. You see, I fall into the category of people who ache to be different. I think church happens more in every day life than it ever happens in a building. I serve in my church on the platform so people see me and they have an opinion on everything I do or don't do. Or say. or don't say.  But you know what this new group of friends are teaching me? That I have so many people that feel the way that I feel. I'm not alone. That there is a whole culture of people that feel the same rumblings and stirrings yet I care way to much about the people who are so concerned for me yet don't love me enough to really be in true relationship. So that's it. I'm done. I'm going to be who God called me to be. You know what that looks like? Well let me tell you..........

I'm not perfect, but I am fiercely loyal. I will love you until the day I die, even if you hurt me and break my heart. God gave me a big heart because HE has a big heart. I want to love the people that no one else loves. The homosexuals, the drunks, the addicts. I don't care. I believe that if the church really thought homosexuals needed Jesus so bad then they would invite them to come. I'm going to invite them. I'm going to love them, and hug them and sit next to them and know that, like me, they struggle with so much and need the radical love of Jesus. I get angry and may cuss sometimes. Jesus is working on that in me. I'm a lot better than I used to be, but not where I want to be. I actually said BS in front of my pastor a few months ago and you know what- he didn't faint and the world didn't stop. I apologized, he nodded and we moved on. I love Jesus in a fierce way and desire Him in ways that scare me. I crave the ability to just sit and let him speak to me. I want a relationship with him that compels me to be different. I just want to love people where they are knowing that Christ is the only thing that will move them, but if I love them enough they will listen when I tell them that. Most importantly, I want to be a safe place that anyone who struggles knows they can tell me and not face criticism, a list of rules or judgement. I want to be a safe place where Jesus surrounds them and his love heals them. I want the Holy Spirit to move in my life so much it scares me. That white hot holy flame that people don't understand but when it hits you it changes you forever and ever. I want it all- everything in the Bible that is promised to us- people healed, raised from the dead, lives changed forever and ever.

I will never be all these things living scared of the few people that have a problem with it. I have found my tribe. It's a beautiful, scary, wonderful thing. It's pushing me out of my comfort zones and you know what... the water is fine.........