Change is......well... change

 I would tell you that I like change. I'm the type of person that loves to walk into anything and go how can I make this better? What can we do different? I go to stores or restaurants and immediately think of ways to make service more efficient. (Let's be honest that I also have had to learn that not everyone wants to hear said opinion- no one likes a know it all) I love to think through things and really bring about change that makes a difference, or so I thought. I've entered into a season that is making me rethink everything I ever thought about change, some changes that are happening in our family and where I've landed on what all this looks like for me.  

If you don't know, my husband lost his job this past summer because the missions organization we worked for had been greatly impacted by Covid. He has transitioned into being a house mentor for young adult with autism while he finishes his masters program in social work. He is built for this type of work and I know that God has called him to this. However, job changes, starting a new career at 40 has impacted us in many ways. It has provided financial challenges with a significant pay decrease. It has also brought time challenges- as he is gone 3-4 days a week overnight. He doesn't get to come to church with me so even things like ministry that are as normal to us as breathing look and feel differently in this season. I find myself often asking (begging) for God to give me my life back as it looked pre-Covid.

And then God took me here...............

If you don't know, Egypt had held the Israelite's captive as slaves for over 400 years. Working to build the kingdom of Egypt. Back breaking work from sun up to sun down. Beaten, mistreated. Definitely not a good situation. So He sent Moses to help the Israelites go free. It took a lot- conversations, plagues- including a lot of frogs- but eventually Pharaoh had enough and told them to leave Egypt. Thus began a journey to the promise land that included crossing a sea while God protected them and their food literally falling from the sky. As they story goes on though we find them complaining that they were better off in Egypt than they were on this journey to all God has promised them. When things got hard- the sun hot, the journey arduous- they became weary. In Exodus 16 they cried out and said, "Why didn't God let us die in comfort in Egypt where we had lamb stew and all the the bread we could eat?" (Message Translation)

Um, excuse me? Comfort? COMFORT? Oh how quickly we forget. 

God had a plan for His people that required them to walk through a season of hardship to get to His promises. He performed great miracles to get them free, to take care of them and get them to the place He had set aside for them yet they fought him every step of the way. I identify greatly with this. My mom always told me that I had to learn everything the hard way. I had to try it and fail. I had to touch it and get burned. I never listened- I was intent on struggling my way through. Even on this side of my life where I like to think I have little bit of wisdom, I find myself much more comfortable in the struggle than I am in seasons of rest. The rest makes me weary- it makes me wonder when the struggle is going to begin again. I just don't know how to live in that place. 

I know that even though this season is hard, that God is walking through and providing for us. I still have a job at Adventures that I love. We have our church family who have really loved and supported me as I come to church and serve alone. So even though I want to go back- I know this is for a reason to bring us to dreams and promises He has for us. Amen. Right, Lord? Amen? 

<insert curve ball>

What do you do when you have learned to be content and then God says ok I want to give you something else? What if he asks to not to leave slavery but to leave contentment behind for the unknown? To leave where you have peace and joy to head into a place where you don't really know what it will hold? To leave ministry and all that brings you joy for a world you have never existed in? That is where I find myself fleshing out my thoughts right now. You see it's much easier for me leave slavery and head into the wilderness. I'm like give me some camo, strap on a machete and let me roar. I will totally put black war paint under my eyes cause I'm gonna dig in and we are gonna go!!! But please don't ask me to give up my life that you so clearly ordained and put me in- a job I love, people who push me and love me and challenge me in all the right ways, leaders who love God and have a passion for the Kingdom- please don't ask me to give that up- even for something that might be better- but it might not cause you never know. 

But that is exactly what He is asking me to do.  And shocking of all shocks, I actually said yes and am doing it. 

Tomorrow is my last day at Adventures in Missions. My last day at a job that God used to heal my heart in so many ways after leaving Waypoint. A job that taught me so much about myself, grew me in many ways, and now I have to say goodbye too because God is asking me if I am willing to leave comfort for something I may not know. My friend Rachel says all the time, "Good is the enemy of best. We don't want to sacrifice good for the best God has for us". He has opened a job for me that isn't ministry oriented. It is a corporate job and I can't wear jeans and hoodies every day (this may be the greatest travesty). I won't have someone come to my office and ask me to pray for them. I won't start my week with corporate worship and prayer. It will be a completely different type of work than anything I've ever done. But I know that I know that I know that God has opened this door and called me to do this. He has provided financial provision with it that will allow Jeremy to get through school and move forward with less stress. In many ways it is the job I never knew I wanted much less would have ever asked for. I didn't call them- they literally called me and asked me to apply and now here we are. 

As I sat at my desk today and read notes from people who have been part of my life the last 5 years I cried for what I know I am losing. It is very hard to describe to someone the gift that working at Adventures is. These are people that do life together. We eat lunch together, we celebrate weddings, births, adoptions, joys and heartaches. We pray together, we work together, we serve together. They are living Kingdom life all over the world. They have changed so much how I see the world and show me the hope that this generation brings to the table. I will miss them terribly. I will cry for the easiness that is work when you love the people you work with they way we all love each other. I have hugged everybody at work every day this week because I know I will miss them so very much. 

But here we go to the next season. Where I get to take the kingdom that I know lives inside of me to a new location. Where we may not talk about Jesus every day but I can still be a light and witness of what I know and believe to everyone I meet. Where just simply being kind can make a difference in someone's day. Where I know God is pulling me out of my comfort zone to grow me and challenge me and teach in areas that I may have never gone if He didn't move me. I am leaving what I love and holding on to the promise that God orders my steps and has a plan even when I don't understand the full breadth of it. 

So maybe I'm not as good at change as I like to think I am. Maybe I still have some areas to grow in when it comes to moving and going. Maybe I am going with just a little bit of kicking and screaming because I know what I am losing- but also with hope for what God is doing in our family. 

I will end with this- Jeremy is going to read this and immediately text me and say "I've told you for 25 years that you don't like change, I don't know why you act surprised when you finally realized I was right." But this blog is not about denial so we will address that later.

"Your grandparents would be so ashamed of you"

"Your grandparents would be so ashamed of you"

These words were uttered on a friends post on facebook this week and I read them with my mouth open. Immediately I felt the rage that releases the ungodly side of me that I do a pretty good job of keeping contained. I took a step back and really thought what do you say to someone that says that? The post of course was political based and the two sides were just really lobbing insults and comments wherever they could. I made a statement and another friend mentioned that she had a received a few flesh wounds from some of my posts and the comments people have made to her. I have my own scars as well from insults, name calling, flat out bullying. One lady I deleted from my page then began texting and messaging me despite me telling her to stop. One lady even started commenting on a video where Jeremy and I were doing worship. I can't imagine there is any family that hasn't been touched by this. Gone by the wayside is any sort of decency to have a conversation. It's like we look for knives to just stick into people. We literally look for what will hurt them back more than what they said hurt us. I mean if both people bring guns and they both shoot each other till they are dead- who do we think is going to win?

What in the world is wrong with us???????? How in the world have we become people that resort to behavior we would never tolerate in our kids?

My friend that posted this very much is a challenger. She isn't divisive- she truly seeks out what is the answer here? She reframes conversations and thoughts because she knows that in doing that we all grow and are forced to think through things on our own instead of being fed what we are supposed to believe. I've discovered in the past few years that I have a lot of people like that in my life. As I have found myself less inside one box or the other, I've seen that this middle ground is tricky. I have always loved that I have friends that run both sides. I have many Republican friends- good folk, love God, some don't, some aren't sure, love their families. I also have many Democratic friends- good folk, love God, some don't, some aren't sure, love their families. I have friends who love Trump and friends who hate him. I have friends who think guns are pure evil and those who have an arsenal locked in their gun cases at home. I love the diversity because it pushes me to look beyond what I'm "supposed" to believe to seek truth in each individual situation because I look at the person I love and know that I can't dismiss them when I disagree because that's not how you treat people.

Except, apparently that is now exactly how we treat people.

After reading someone tell my friend that her grandparents would be ashamed of her I have really done some thinking and this is where I have landed. I don't fit in either parties box. The only box that I fit 100% in, that has to measure up 100% of the time, is the box where I call myself a Christian. That box- and everything that empties out of it has to be exactly what it's supposed to be. Because at the end of the day my life, my opinions, my thoughts may never sway someone in an election, or how to feel about borders, or kids being detained or not. It will never change our taxes, our property values or even whether or not we should be creating sanctuary cities.

But it will absolutely, 100%, sway people on what they think about the Jesus I profess to serve. When they click on my profile on facebook and they see Jesus this or a post about my church or a video of me playing the piano and then they see me literally tear someone down to the bone about something I disagree with- no one wins but that person most definitely loses any interest in what I have to say. And if I'm going to spend my time trying to convince somebody of what to believe- It is not going to be about a man or a law that isn't my source of life anyway. Because here's the truth- Jesus never argued in the Bible with anyone, ever. He knew the truth and he walked in it. He lived it and didn't have to spend his time convincing people it was truth- because their lack of belief didn't diminish his truth at all. He didn't teach in the temple or on the hill side and in the middle of the message do an ad for the current government. He knew that in the end- that wasn't where people needed to have their faith anyway.

Christians have got to stop sacrificing our testimony on the altar of politics. 

We have got to stop thinking that our truth is somehow diluted when someone dares to believe something we don't. Even if we think it's wrong. The bottom line is that people believe things many times based on the life they have lived- so ask them why they believe, where they are coming from, listen and then listen some more. Allow them to share and open up. Create community and then when you show them you are safe, that they can share their story with you- and then share yours as well. Because let's be real- you believe what you believe because of your life as well. And maybe your's looks very different from theirs- but regardless it shaped your worldview- just like theirs has been shaped.

There's a better way than what is playing out right now. Someone has to at some point say I'm going to respond differently. I'm going to value the box that matters. The box that truly will change someones life. Find that box and pour out of that one. We will all be better for it- it might even change someone's life.

The act of being a class act

I had something happen that I just haven't been able to get off my mind. A friend of mine posted a picture on Facebook of a new decor item in her bedroom. As her friends oohed and ahed over it, one of her family members made the comment that she must of made her bed in order to take the picture and how long had it been. Immediately, her fierce and loyal friends began posting meme's to the shadiness of posting that comment. Because I have no filter and tend to call a spade a spade, I told her it was rude and how it was perceived. See I have that family member that critiques and has an opinion on everything. I control it by just not telling them anything. I know what it feels like to have someone mean well, but still just say something that is flat out rude disguised as a joke. Putting "hee hee" or a smiley face does not make it less rude or pull the sting away. But then they responded with how they were making it right and how sorry she was it had been taken that way. I looked at all the comments from all the people who were trying to help my friend and I felt guilty. So I asked her forgiveness for what I am sure felt like a gang beating up on her. I have always said I don't have a tribe, I have a mob. One of my friends posted in another group that I was class act for apologizing. I felt good about that for all of 2 seconds as the realization hit me that on any given day I could go either way. Every day I am faced with decisions where I have to choose my response. Some are easy to choose the right way-I wouldn't steal or lie to someone- that's an easy right choice. For that day I chose to be kind and understanding to the fact that I wasn't privy to a lifetime of relationship and the private texts she had already sent apologizing. I could have continued to rip her a new one even after she apologized because it doesn't remove the fact that she said it to begin with. Every choice, every situation is a tight rope walk wondering which way am I going to fall- in the pit with pettiness, lack of grace, anger, rudeness or will walk the rope being as my friend says "a class act". As I have thought about this, I have decided that really it's all an act. At the end of the day, anything I handle with grace and compassion is only from the Jesus in me. My flesh is not drawn to act that way. It is drawn toward self serving and my own opinion and beliefs. All flesh is drawn in that direction. It's why Jesus calls us to die to ourselves. I heard someone say one time the first one dead wins. I love this because when we are truly sacrificing all that is in us, all that is left is Him. So may you find a new way to die today. May I find a new way to die today. See you at the finish line because when we live a life dead to ourselves- the world wins Jesus.

Dear 2017......

I haven't sent out Christmas cards since 2011. I lost both of my parents that year and just couldn't' find it in me to do. The next year found me still grieving and I didn't even put up a tree. Years continued to pass and like all things that change, I've found my joy again in the Christmas season, but I still haven't sent out the cards and carefully crafted letter updating everyone on the happenings of our lives. At this point, I think I relish the realization that the world didn't cease turning without my annual diatribe mailed out to all the people I've ever met so why start it up again.  However, this morning, as I looked back over this year in the life of our family I had some thoughts I wanted to share. So I will just post them here and save myself a stamp.

Dear 2017,

I feel like someone sliding into home just ahead of that ball, going we made it. We have some mud on our knees that may never come out, a couple of holes and rips that we will fix, but will always be there- but we made it. Whew.

2017 you started in strong and hard as I was diagnosed with cancer in January. The first part of the year was full of doctor visits, fears, worry, questions and lots and lots of tears. I had a hysterectomy in March and God provided such care in the aftermath through my church family, my work family and so many friends who came and stayed with me, cooked for me and some who just sat on the sofa with me. He is so faithful.

In May a very dear friend of mine went in for a routine surgery and through very unheard of complications we almost lost her. I remember the night I came home, after another discouraging update, and just sat in my car and wept and cried, "Lord, please don't take her from us. Please, spare her life." It's been a long road, one that she is still walking, but she is here and she is healing- even though the scars remain. He is so faithful.

My husband made the decision to leave the company he has worked for most of his adult life, and a boss that truly loved him, and take a new job- even though it was a tremendous pay cut. A job that would allow him to be home every night and not work 12-14 hr days, 6 and even 7 days a week. A job where he is so valued by the people that I can't even count the ones that stop by my office to tell me how much they love and respect him. Despite the pay cut, our bills our paid and truly, we have lacked for nothing. God is so faithful.

My mothers house finally sold and that huge, open, gaping would that I've needed closure with is finally beginning to heal. While some things haven't finished, just having the house gone has done tremendous things for my heart and walking out of just the burden of undone and unfinished. With some of the money we received we have paid off almost all of our debt including cancer medical bills we were still paying on from when Jeremy had cancer in 2010, as well as all of my cancer stuff, which BTW, is what allowed my husband to take a lower paying job. All in God's timing. He is so faithful.

I've seen dear friends uprooting their entire lives and moving their family to GA. I've seen them walk through adoption struggles and the heartache and trauma involved with babies and mommas who need to see Jesus. I've seen the questions and the wondering and the aches and pains that come with all of life in the midst of the hard. He is so faithful.

One of the hardest battles has been watching someone who is like a mother to me, in every sense of the word, battle her own cancer. I've seen her wiped out by the chemo and struggle to just move from bed to chair. I've seen her at the top of the mountain and bottom of the valley. Gracefully broken. Poured out. I've seen her live her faith in ways that I hope one day I walk in. I've seen her stand strong- even in the middle of all that is coming against her and I watch in amazement with tears at her faith in a God who holds her next breath. Every Sunday I watch her worship- arms raised, voice strong singing praise to the God she loves and has served her whole life. He is faithful, every day, every time.

As this year closes in just a few short days I see His faithfulness in every step we have taken. I see His faithfulness as dreams come to fruitions, promises come to pass, as friends announce new babies coming and others let go of bitterness and hurt. He is Faithful. He is so faithful. Thank you for teaching me this 2017.

Come, and make yourself uncomfortable for awhile

It's 6:30 on Friday night and I sat down in a chair waiting on my son to get dressed so we could go eat with some friends from work. Only, I sat down in my chair an hour ago and now it is to late for us to go so once again, like numerous times over the last few months, I am cancelling on something because I am just to tired to go.

I have cancer. I heard those words over the phone, sitting in my garage 3 weeks ago. I will never forget my doctor calling me and then asking me if I was ok. I mean, are people normally ok when they hear those words? I would love to say that the last three weeks have been filled with me standing firm in the faith that I profess to have. That I have taken hold of God and stood fast, claiming and believing that I am healed. That I have banished Satan from my house and my body and that I sing worship songs nonstop as I praise God for my healing. I would love to say all those things because I am a good pentecostal girl and I'm on staff at a church so of course that's what is happening. But that is not what the last three weeks have been for me. They have been filled with tears, and lots of pep talks to myself to suck it up. They have been filled with planning and getting ready for a hysterectomy and being out of commission for 4 weeks to recover. They have been filled with me convincing myself that I will be ok and yet knowing that I'm not really feeling ok. They have been filled with feeling thankful for the people praying for me and then struggling to not throat punch everyone who comes up and wants to pray for me because I don't feel like praying. It's been please don't touch me or be nice to me because I will absolutely die if you do. I feel like crying. They have been filled with FEAR. Which is a new emotion for me. You see, I've never struggled with fear and I don't know what to do with it especially when the fear comes in crashing waves drowning me over and over again in the worry of the unknown. Has it spread? Will they open me up and find out that it is everywhere? What am I really dealing with? How did I get cancer? I'm overwhelmed with feelings that I am struggling to express and process. If you have heard me speak anywhere in the last year- you know that I am all about the struggle. I lean into the struggle. I believe with my whole entire heart that God is found in the middle of the struggle and that in brokenness we find ourselves and more importantly, we find HIM. We know that He is good because of the brokenness in our lives. We know that He is good and faithful because we can trust Him to move in those places. But I can't find Him in my fear. And that scares me more than anything that I have ever experienced in my life. You see I know how to seek God. Me and Him meet in the secret place often. I sit at my piano in my quiet house and I play and worship and He meets with me. But I have missed Him the last few weeks. My heart isn't in my worship, because the fear has clouded my ability to see Him. I go to church and just want to come home. I see people who love me dearly and mean so well and I just want to hide. I just want to be unseen, yet desperately need to know that I'm not alone. I've never ever in my life been in a place like this. I've walked in the depths of depression and grief and overcome. But this fear- is crippling and it is overwhelming. I have a sweet- well, feisty and sweet friend who has really pushed me to get in touch with my feelings and to really FEEL them. It's been really hard for me to admit I am not ok. But life altering news does just that- it alters your life- no matter how strong of a faith you have some things are just big. Yes, God is bigger. I know this. I know that He is good and He is holding me and my family and the end will be ok. In my heart I know that I believe this. But right now the lies and the fear is louder than my faith. It is just the place that I am in. My friend challenged to just find space to cry and process through. About the same time I heard a song by Ellie Holcomb called "Find You Here". Every day I drive to work with that song on repeat and I cry- all the way there and all the way home. It's my space to fall apart and say I'm struggling and I'm not ok. But I'm gonna believe that you are here somewhere in the midst of all of this even if I can't feel you or see you and touch you or even believe right now.

So what is the point of this blog if not to share with the world how I am overcoming in this season. The purpose is to invite you into my brokenness.  To share with you the uncomfortableness of not being ok. Of being able to say that I don't see God, but I believe Him to be good and faithful and I know that I will eventually find Him again. This is a hard thing to do because it's uncomfortable to most people to not be able to fix it, or pray for it or to heal it. It's uncomfortable to sit with a fellow believer as they struggle and just let them struggle. It feels contrary to what we normally do but its the season I'm in and if you haven't walked my path then you can't understand my season. Its hard to sit in the uncomfortable. It's even harder to invite you in praying that you will be gentle in this space and understanding of the enormity that this is to me. But I do it open handed. Come sit with me. Just be with me. But don't touch me, because I'm not sure I can handle it.


Find You Here
It's not the news that any of us hoped that we would hear
It's not the road we would have chosen, no
The only thing that we can see is darkness up ahead
But You're asking us to lay our worry down and sing a song instead

And I didn't know I'd find You here
In the middle of my deepest fear, but
You are drawing near
You are overwhelming me, with peace
So I'll lift my voice and sing
You're gonna carry us through everything
You are drawing near
You're overwhelming all my fears, with peace

You say that I should come to You with everything I need
You're asking me to thank you even when the pain is deep
You promise that You'll come and meet us on the road ahead
And no matter what the fear says, You give me a reason to be glad

Here in the middle of the lonely night
Here in the middle of the losing fight, You're
Here in the middle of the deep regret
Here when the healing hasn't happened yet
Here in the middle of the desert place
Here in the middle when I cannot see Your face
Here in the middle with Your outstretched arms
You can see my pain and it breaks Your heart

And I didn't know I'd find You here
In the middle of my deepest fear, but
You are drawing near
You are overwhelming me with, peace
So I'll lift my voice and sing
You're gonna carry me through everything
You are drawing near
You're overwhelming all my fear with peace

Rejoice, rejoice
Don't have to worry 'bout a single thing, 'cause
You are overwhelming me with, peace!
Don't have to worry 'bout a single thing
You're gonna carry us through everything
Overwhelming peace ...

October, Tears and Legacy

I've been weepy for days. I've blamed it on allergies and not feeling well. I've blamed it on being a woman because let's be honest, that right there is enough. However as I was driving home yesterday with beautiful leaves all around and a cool breeze blowing in my little mountain town I had the realization of why. It's October. Its the month of my birthday, my husbands birthday and my mom's birthday. It's also the month that 5 years ago my mom passed away, just a few months after my dad,  literally making me an orphan. I called my brother in law and talked to him for a few minutes and cried about all the things I wish she was here to see and be a part of. Things like Andrew serving in New Orleans- my mom was a missionary at heart and she would be so proud of him and the path that he has chosen. This morning I remembered a writing assignment I had to do for school where I wrote about her.  As I graduate in December it's another memory and momentous moment that I will grieve my mom not being a part of- yet she is a part of my life in so many way. When I play the piano she is part of all the piano lessons. When I sing or paint, she is part of the fact that I grew up in a home where music and creativity was valued. She is the reason that I'm strong willed and determined and I believe truly that I can do anything I want because she told me so my whole life. I just wanted to share this story- some of you may have read it before but it's always a good reminder of her touch on my life.

Memoir
by: Elizabeth Noles

The weather was unusually warm for fall.  Nonetheless, I was enjoying the sunshine. I had emerged from a long winter, which was  followed by an even longer summer.  I was looking forward to fall with its decidedly cooler weather and lazy nights.  My family had buried my dad in February.  Like the bold yellow, orange, and red leaves bursting from the trees, I found life seeping into the corner pockets of my heart that had been cold and dreary for many months.  I was looking forward to the weeks my mom was coming to spend with me, and for many days had been planning all the trouble that we would get into.  We were famous for our midnight trips to Wal-Mart, and even more infamous for our outlandish projects that we never quite completed.  However,for all the incomplete projects around my house, there had always been many moments of laughter and many hours spent planning what our next project would be.  Momma left on a Friday to travel on vacation with her sister.  When she returned the next week, our plotting and planning would begin. 

Ona Saturday night, sitting in a crowded Chick-Fil-A, I got the phone call.  “Honey, I’m at the hospital and they are doing surgery Monday morning on my heart.  It’s not a big deal. Don’t worry about coming, but I thought you would want to know.” In that moment, my whole world tilted off balance.  It was like a scene from a movie,where the music crescendos into a dead silence.  The restaurant noises drifted into the background, every nerve, every ounce of focus was on the voice coming out of my cell phone.  “Mom, of course I’m going to come.  I’ll leave in the morning and be there as soon as possible”.  I don’t know in what world she thought I would stay home. Sometimes parents still think they know everything. 

I arrived at Vanderbilt Hospital in Nashville, mid-morning on Sunday.  I walked into intensive care and tried to block the sterile, pungent hospital odor from my nostrils.  Machines were beeping, nurses were hopping, and families were sitting in hushed circles with drawn faces and concern oozing from every breath. I didn’t know quite what I would walk into when I saw my mom.I walked up to the nurse’s station and quietly asked for her room. “Kathleen Spruill, please?” 

A stoic nurse dressed in the classic white uniform replied “Are you family?” 

“Yes, ma’am,” I answered in shaky voice.

“Right this way”, as she directed me down the hall, dismissing from her presence.

I opened the door quietly and hesitantly; fear was evident in my quiet moves.  I was quickly greeted by a boisterous hello from my mother sitting up in the bed eating jell-o.  I didn’t know the ICU even served patients food; only my mom could finagle what she wanted against hospital rules.  

            The day went by slowly as only days spent in a hospital do.  After much hustle and bustle from doctors and nurses, I found myself alone with my mom in the late afternoon hour.  In the quiet of the room, I sat next to her and gently placed her hand in mine.  I held it softly, tracing every line and every vein.  I thought about my babies, and how she had held them and patted them to sleep.  I remembered how she changed their diapers and wiped their faces with a gentle caress, known only to those who have watched their children have children of their own.  As I looked at a particularly large wrinkle, I thought how these hands did the same for me.  They have cleaned my house, and washed countless loads of laundry, simply because it was a task to be completed.  Those same hands have felt my brow, even as an adult, when she felt that I was ill and not taking care of myself.  Her manicured fingers have pointed at me and held me accountable when I have squandered my opportunities or made bad decisions.  I didn’t quite know how to put into words all that I was thinking, so I simply said, “I love you. I hope you truly know how much I love you and appreciate you.”  I remember she smiled so peacefully at me and said she knew.  What is it about hospitals that make you want to share your feelings in such open ways?  Maybe if we all spent a few hours in a hospital, we could learn to express the deepest parts of our hearts.  The parts of our heart that we keep locked away in the busyness of life.  The parts,that when faced with uncertainty, begs to be released to those who know us best.  As my mom and I sat and talked in the stillness of the afternoon, we shared tidbits that were of no consequence,mixed in with heartfelt apologies for words that had been said, or actions that couldn’t be reversed.  Neither of us speaking out the fear of what tomorrow would bring with the looming surgery,but constantly assuring each other that all would be fine and life would go on as it always had.   At one point she looked at me with a sternness in her eye. The kind of sternness you learn from years of parenting, the kind that comes wrapped in love, but they still know you mean business. With that look in her eye she said to me, “Live your life surrendered to God. It is the only way you will ever be happy. Live your life surrendered to His Will. Nothing else works.”  I looked at her and in that moment, I knew. 

            Monday morning came early and dreaded.  I kissed her face, and as they wheeled her to surgery, she spoke boldly and clearly “No matter what happens, I win.”  On Monday, October 24, 2011, my mother won.  She won the prize that is given to those who live lives surrendered to God. I know that my dad met her there, and together they walked into the place where hearts are fixed and grief is no more. A place where I believe she watches over my children and caresses them with the warmth of a gentle breeze. A place where she can still point her finger when I squander my opportunities. Some days, especially in the warmth of the fall, when the sun rises high in the sky like an orange balloon about to take flight, I look up and wonder what she sees. I wonder what kind of trouble she has found,and I wonder if they have a Wal-Mart in heaven.

UUUUUGGGHHH..... you can do it.

My friend JJ posted a video this week. (you can visit her blog here) It was an innocent video. It was a cute video. I'm currently writing this and planning on stealing it and she hasn't even said yes to whether that's ok. It's her son who is the most precious thing you have ever seen. In the past few weeks she posted pictures of him crying because she told him he couldn't lick people anymore and pictures of him crying because there was no more yard work to do. I've seen him go WW3 on a carton on yogurt and one look at him will make you question whether she feeds him or not. (Seriously, the most adorably chubby cheeks you've ever seen). But this video caused me to just watch and I felt God go--- did you catch that?

People around me are struggling. Sickness, despair, worry, fear- wonder for how the next bill will be paid or food will be on the table. I see it everywhere I turn. There is a family at my church flat out being just attacked with sickness. Prayers have been prayed faith has gone out but they are still struggling. People who have lost babies that were supposed to come live with them and then plans get changed and that child is now living with someone else. Adoption is full of heartache and born of brokenness,  and I have friends right now walking through the darkest part of that process.

But as I watched this video I saw so clearly God. We think we are holding it up. We think we are balancing our cares- our pain. Many of us thrive on having it all together and being able to make things work. What? only me? We are so proud of everything we can accomplish and all we do. We brush our shoulders and work it like a boss. We walk through and we are like Rambo until we meet the mountain that seems to stop us in our tracks. For some it is sickness, for others addiction. For others it is just the unknown of where their life is headed. That mountain looms before us and like a little kid we take off to climb it. We put our arms around it and we start to move it and we don't even realize that God is right behind us giving strength to everything we do. God never asked us to carry the load. In fact He tells us very clearly that His yoke is easy and His burden is light- you know why? Because He does the heavy lifting. When we are weighted down, falling underneath the load we are carrying it's because we said Hey God I got this. But God is looking at us and He's going no, I got YOU! What ever your load is tonight whether its family, job, your kids, your church, your self- whatever it is God has you. He's always had you. He will always have you. He takes care of his children, even when we don't see or know that He's there.

Move

This morning as I was coming home after school drop off a song came on the radio that a friend had posted the lyrics to this week. This song had meant something significant to her as she is walking through having a child with a chronic illness. My thoughts of her were followed quickly by a prayer for her and the immediate struggles they are in right now. I can't imagine what it's like to have a child with very specific medical needs. It is not something I've ever had to deal with on a constant basis, but because I love her I am moved by her struggles in this season.

If you are around me for more than 5 minutes you have heard me talk about my tribe- my women in #the4500 that came together because of a book launch rejection letter. I'm often amazed and caught unaware at some of the differences in my life because of them. This morning's prayers and thoughts are another example. For most of my life everyone that I was in contact believed like me, acted like me and lived their life like me. The last couple of years I've really felt pulled, <pushed, forced> to see the world outside of my own worldview, my very shallow and narrow worldview. What I wasn't prepared for was just the intense depth of life changing awareness this would bring.

I have such a new view of adoption. I've never been around people that adopted or were passionate about adoption. I'm in awe and totally a weepy mess because I've learned the other side of adoption. The side where there are birth moms with wounded, broken hearts and adoptive moms who are desperately trying to balance and manage the feelings of the child in their care and the deep sense of loss that comes from adoption. I've learned that it's not sunshine and happy days because they have this great family now and someone to love them. It's forced me to see the brokenness in the world in such a different way.

Like I opened with, I have several people in this group who have children with desperate medical needs. To watch and read their daily struggles just to keep their child alive is so heartbreaking and so overwhelming that I can't even imagine their life. I can't imagine the pain they live with yet they walk with joy and so much compassion and so much appreciation for what they do have.

I have friends who have given up everything. I mean EVERYTHING for what they know God has called their family to do and walk very alone in that place without the support of family. They live not knowing there they will live next month, not knowing what the future holds, not knowing anything except the fire that God has put in their heart to do something that is too hard and seems impossible, yet they are doing it.

I have friends with unsaved husbands who beat the heavens for their salvation and for their children. I see women fighting to find themselves, seeking their purpose and calling- desperate to find God in the midst of this thing we call life and motherhood and wifehood and sisterhood. And this morning, I am grateful. I am grateful that my heart breaks for things that I have never imagined. I'm grateful that these things push me to pray in ways that I've never prayed before because I love these women in ways I've never loved before.  So this morning I'm just praying. I'm praying for all those hard things that suddenly I can't not know. For the people whose lives look nothing like mine as I sit in my warm house with healthy children and so many other blessings that I take for granted. I'm praying and asking God to keep expanding what I haven't seen because for every hard thing, I see Him in a new way. For every circumstance that's overwhelming I'm amazed at the grace He gives to the person walking that path. For everything that there is no answer to, He is still the answer.

My challenge in all of these ramblings is this- move. Move beyond what is comfortable and known in your life. Connect with people who look different and act different and push you to see the world in a different way. Because when you see the world differently you begin to see God differently. You see His awesomeness and his breadth and how truly big he is in the midst of a life that is just messy and difficult. But He is faithful and we can trust him.

40 Candles

Today is my 40th birthday. A milestone birthday for sure. I haven't dreaded it like I thought I would. Honestly, after the trauma of turning 26, and leaving what I felt was "young adulthood" I may be immune to the getting older dread. (except for when I turned 30 and my little Andrew kept telling me I was "dirty" because he couldn't make his "th" sound) As I look at this day and all it holds I have several thoughts in my mind that I wanted to share.


40 is the new 20
They say 40 is the new 20. Well, I say hurrah and they can keep their actual 20's because I wouldn't go back to being 20 for all the money in the world. While I would love to have back the firm skin, no wrinkles and thick hair, I am happy with what I know at 40 that I didn't even know about when I was 20. Life is a great teacher and if you listen and learn you get to live your life very differently as you get older. You learn to appreciate things that you take for granted- like the fleeting moments of a little baby, the value of friendship and not peeing on yourself when you cough.

No Rules
The older I get, the less rules I feel I have to live by. Quickly fleeing are the days of worrying about what so and so thinks or if I do this will I offend them. I love who I am, I have fought for the healing in my heart and I have finally reached the place where I'm ok if others don't see it. I've learned that the same grace I have demanded people give me for my mistakes must be freely given by me to them as well. When you walk in a place where you realize love shouldn't be based on whether I agree with you politically, or how you parent or what you believe in faith wise, suddenly the world opens up so much bigger with so many more opportunities for relationship. It allows connections to be made that otherwise wouldn't have happened, allowing for a much richer life with more to see and comprehend. It grows you. It makes you a better person. It also makes you less annoying to the people around you because really no one cares about your opinion. They care how much you love them and if you love them well, they will value your opinion.

Dreams
I've learned that some dreams never come true and that when you can finally realize that, God opens your heart to dreams you never even imagined. People always say dream big but really the biggest that we as people can dream can't even touch the hugeness of a God that has a plan for us. I've watched dreams die. I've had heartache and tears as I said goodbye to things that I thought I would have forever. I've walked with fear and uncertainty down dark hallways looking for light, or even just an ember to spark so I could believe again. I'm learning that you have to walk out believing He is a good good Father with a great great plan and eventually the door will crack, a light will shine and suddenly once again you stand in the light with bigger dreams unfolding before you.

Life and Kids
My husband and I are both turning 40 this month and we are truly in this middle season of life. In the next 5 years both of our kids will be done with school and we will be moving into a totally different season.  I have heard friends share of their struggle as their kids get older and get ready to leave the nest. While I mourn the loss of childhood with my babies, I rejoice in the new season. A season where I'm not their boss. I get to love them and watch them live out all those things I pray they have planted in their hearts. I get to see them LIVE their lives- live their dreams and be who we have been raising them to be. I also get to be Jeremy's wife. We are very young with hopefully lots of years left. We will spend them together, laughing and making music and doing the things we have always done. I'm excited about this time with him. We get to have grandkids and spoil them and send them home. We get to eat out for less than $50. Can I get an amen! Life is just getting sweet and I can't wait to see what is around the corner.


Here's to turning 40 and all that the future holds! Happy Birthday to me.

Dear Future Daughter in Law

I was inspired this week by a post from my friend Julie Presley. She wrote an amazing blog to her future daughter in law and it inspired me. What would I want my son's future wife to know about herself, us, him and our family. As someone who is on the cusp of having a grown child and another quickly coming up behind him I often have thoughts of the future. I'm thinking about the kid in my house who can't remember to pick up his clothes living somewhere other than my home, or being responsible for another person. It's crazy. It's out of my control and it terrifies me. So here are my thoughts to my future daughter-in-law:

Dear Daughter,

I prefer not to use the words in-law because once you marry my son you become part of this family. You aren't an attachment or a branch, you are grafted in and part of the tree that is us. You are part of my son and because he loves you and chose you,  I also choose you. I will be for you and always treat you like one of mine, because that's what this becoming one thing is all about. You won't ever have to worry about what I say about you because it will be good, uplifting, and loving. I want you to know that I am here for you and my goal is to hold up you and my son knowing that God has a great plan and I don't have all the answers. Fair warning though, I do have an opinion but I pray that I can always give it in love and you don't have to do it, just know that at the end of every circumstance we will always be here for you. I have prayed for you over the years.  Not every day or part of some great plan, but in moments where I see my son with a joyful smile on his face or after a day where I just wonder what the future will be, I think about you and I pray that you know how loved and welcomed you will be in our family. That you are safe and cared about. That wherever you are, God is moving in your life and protecting you from all the wounds the world can inflict. I pray for you when my son tells me he feels called into the ministry to be an evangelist and I know what a challenging life that is to trust 100% on God's provision and that he has the faith for that. I pray that God is preparing you for what that looks like and lets you know that at the end of a hard week you have a safe place to land always at our home. I pray for your heart. That is is cherished by not only my son, but by everyone in your life now because it's now that writes a path for how you live and love later. So protect your heart. Surround yourself with people who hold it gently. But don't hide from pain, because it is in the pain that you find the deepest part of the heart of God and experience His great love for you. I pray that you are brave. That you find strength and courage to stand up and be who God has called you to be. That even through the struggle you see the value in pushing through. Brave people change the world. Brave people raise brave kids (to quote Jen Hatmaker) so be brave. Be strong. Be courageous. I pray that you are, well, YOU. That you don't sacrifice who you are to meet some standard that the world is looking for. Be real- by being real and being you- you will see more and experience more and you will attract real people. Real people can be offsetting in a world that is built on the fake. Fake profiles, fake pictures, fake happiness. Be you. Feel the sadness, feel the struggle, feel the joy, feel the fullness of everything life has to offer because one day you will have a child and they need to know what it means to be real so they aren't caught in the cycle of fake that so many in this world are. Finally, I feel like owe you an apology. I've tried. They put the toilet seat down but it doesn't always look clean in there. I really did try. But they can do their laundry and they will respect you. In fact, they will honor you and hold you in high regard so in the end you really did get a winner.  Plus their dad can fix anything so that get's the parents points as well.

Be Brave. Be Real. Be You.

Love,
Your future Mom

Hell in the Hallways

When I was a kid I was scared of the dark. In fact, I slept with a nightlight till I got married and then made my husband let me get in the bed before he turned the light off. I was 26 before I would even walk across a dark room. I was reading an article about being fearful and decided that I was no longer going to live scared of the dark. While I may not choose to go in a super dark place, I can turn the light out and walk through my house with no fear (except for stepping on a lego or a baseball). What scared me the most about the darkness was not being able to see what was around me. A room, that I lived in and knew everything about was suddenly filled with the boogey man when the lights went out. This past weekend I went on a women's retreat with my church and God gave me such a GREAT example of this in my life. At 3am I got up to go to the bathroom. As I was in there, suddenly, there was a loud bump on the door. I literally almost jumped off the toilet. I said hello? Kinda quietly because I didn't want to alarm the ladies in the room sleeping. I sat there listening and my mind began REALLY going into overdrive. This was the thought process:

Someone is hiding the closet to kill us when we are sleeping.
I need to hide. Where do you hide in a hotel bathroom?
Ok this is crazy.
(OPEN DOOR)
Walk by closet but don't look cause you don't make eye contact with the boogey man.
Walk slowly, not making any sound.
Get to window and think they are in the curtains hiding
Don't look in the curtains because everyone knows it's when you look for the boogey man that they get you.
Debate whether to go back to bed

SUDDENLY A VOICE SPEAKS! It was one of my roommates who had gotten up to go to the bathroom and ran into the door. Ah, that makes so much more sense than the boogey man being in our room.  I am not at all dramatic. Not at all.

So what does all this mean? Well nothing really other than maybe we should have left a light on and I need to get a grip. Until I go to service the next morning and someone prays over me and says this statement: it's hell in the hallways.

Darkness. Darkness is simply the absence of light. Darkness is not even real. It's the ABSENCE of something. But when you are surrounded by it and see nothing, it is very convincing that it is real. For a very long time, I've been in a hallway with no doors and no windows. It's been dark. It's been hard. I've been bound and scared and unable to move. I've simply existed by standing in one place. I've coped by pulling the covers over my head and just praying that someone would turn the light on. I've tried the fake it till you make it until my faker said look it's not making and we need a break. Thursday morning on the way to leave for the weekend I told my husband- I just feel so purposeless. I feel so lost and I can't find myself. I am so bound with these feelings and don't know how to get free.

This weekend- I. Got. Free.

Hell is in the hallways. Waiting sucks. Not knowing sucks. Wondering what's next and not seeing a path S-U-C-K-S. BUT.......

I said BUT..... God. That person that created me, loves me, and knows ME. He knows where all the doors are. See, I don't have to know where the doors lead, I just need to know they are there. I don't have to see everything around me, I just need to know that the boogey man isn't there. And all the shades are up and the lights are on and there is an entire hallway of doors- I'm just waiting for mine to open.

Are you in the hallway? Are you hiding under the covers? Let me tell you something- there is a door there I PROMISE! You know how I know? 

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. Romans 8:26-28 MSG 

My favorite part of this is where it says if we don't know- IT DOESN'T MATTER!!!! He does it for us. Every sigh, every cry HE KNOWS! He knows all of it and has worked out the details of your life. Just hang on and don't give up. There is a door. He knows where it is and I promise it will open. Just wait.... SUDDENLY HIS VOICE WILL SPEAK! You will have the answers, you will see a path and the lights will shine brightly!

Step out of your comfort zone where the water is fine....

I shared something this week with 598 women that I've never met. What I shared was a confession of something I struggled with for years and that no one, outside of my husband, knew about me. Something that I've never shared in years of womens meetings, teaching classes, writing or any other avenue. What made me share this tidbit of my life? I have no earthly idea.

One week ago I joined a group on facebook of women that weren't chosen to review Jen Hatmakers new book- For the Love (that is coming out in August so PRE-ORDER NOW!) This group has monopolized my life for the last week. In a short amount of time we have shared secrets, fears, worries, illnesses- all in the most grace filled cocoon I have ever seen in my life. My husband, ever the skeptic, said well it will be nice while everyone's on their best behavior, but eventually the humanness will seep in. That may be true except that this is the most raw, human place I've ever seen in my life. Maybe it's the anonimity of social media that makes it easy- except that I know so much about them and we all have each others numbers. Maybe it's  just people putting their best foot forward- cause you know we are all Christians- except that we aren't. It is the most ecclectic group of people, some who haven't been to church in years. These are the most broken, humble women that I have ever met. They have shared some of the most heart breaking, devastating parts of their lives only to face- LOVE. It's beautiful. It's safe. It's what the church is supposed to be. This group has shown me in for real, in your face, what love looks like. I feel so close to these strangers that have knitted together inside a little piece of my heart. Why is it that hundreds of women would just literally cut themselves open and throw their hearts out on a table? What is missing that is so foundational in our lives that we would do it with 598 complete strangers? I'll tell you what it is. It's because the church can only handle so much crap and people are desperate for truth. People sit on pews week in and week out without ever seeing any real change becuase they aren't real with themselves, much less real with each other. They hear you are loved in most worship music and it's usually preached from the pulpit, yet they sit in groups and listen to women just cut to smiterhined anyone who dares to step out of the box. They dare to speak up that they see something different and suddenly people walk by them and don't speak to them at all. We wonder why people aren't flocking to our churches but we have yet to come up with attendance requirements that we can all agree on, much less that someone can actually meet. I had someone tell me just this week they didn't come to church because they woke up late and knew how bad people talked about people coming in late. I wanted to find every person that ever said that and hit them with an alarm clock in the face. Do you hear that... SOMEONE STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH B/C YOU CARED WHAT TIME THEY GOT THERE- NOT THAT THEY GOT THERE.  We have a problem. Don't get me wrong, I love my church. I have pastors whose hearts are pushed toward those who need the body and I will shout from the mountaintops that I'm in a place that has a heart to get it right. We need our church. We all need church. But we need church they way that God designed church. God's plan was for the body to be His living hands and feet to all who need Him.

My (new) friend Renee wrote this blog here. (you must read it- it's fabulous) and as I read I was just crying and cheering and going yes yes yes! I decided something after reading it. I want to be brave. You see, I fall into the category of people who ache to be different. I think church happens more in every day life than it ever happens in a building. I serve in my church on the platform so people see me and they have an opinion on everything I do or don't do. Or say. or don't say.  But you know what this new group of friends are teaching me? That I have so many people that feel the way that I feel. I'm not alone. That there is a whole culture of people that feel the same rumblings and stirrings yet I care way to much about the people who are so concerned for me yet don't love me enough to really be in true relationship. So that's it. I'm done. I'm going to be who God called me to be. You know what that looks like? Well let me tell you..........

I'm not perfect, but I am fiercely loyal. I will love you until the day I die, even if you hurt me and break my heart. God gave me a big heart because HE has a big heart. I want to love the people that no one else loves. The homosexuals, the drunks, the addicts. I don't care. I believe that if the church really thought homosexuals needed Jesus so bad then they would invite them to come. I'm going to invite them. I'm going to love them, and hug them and sit next to them and know that, like me, they struggle with so much and need the radical love of Jesus. I get angry and may cuss sometimes. Jesus is working on that in me. I'm a lot better than I used to be, but not where I want to be. I actually said BS in front of my pastor a few months ago and you know what- he didn't faint and the world didn't stop. I apologized, he nodded and we moved on. I love Jesus in a fierce way and desire Him in ways that scare me. I crave the ability to just sit and let him speak to me. I want a relationship with him that compels me to be different. I just want to love people where they are knowing that Christ is the only thing that will move them, but if I love them enough they will listen when I tell them that. Most importantly, I want to be a safe place that anyone who struggles knows they can tell me and not face criticism, a list of rules or judgement. I want to be a safe place where Jesus surrounds them and his love heals them. I want the Holy Spirit to move in my life so much it scares me. That white hot holy flame that people don't understand but when it hits you it changes you forever and ever. I want it all- everything in the Bible that is promised to us- people healed, raised from the dead, lives changed forever and ever.

I will never be all these things living scared of the few people that have a problem with it. I have found my tribe. It's a beautiful, scary, wonderful thing. It's pushing me out of my comfort zones and you know what... the water is fine.........

Anna LeBaron Davenport: Jen Hatmaker Knows Who I Am!!! (sort of)

Anna LeBaron Davenport: Jen Hatmaker Knows Who I Am!!! (sort of)

The #4500 AKA Why I've done nothing for 3 solid days

This has been a crazy wonderful week. I've been super busy and obsessed with a group of ladies that I've met through the launch of Jen Hatmaker's new book "For the Love" which releases in August. Even though I wasn't joining the official launch team I became part of the unofficial group who has just been rolled into a big ole love fest for this amazing book. Ladies, I might have a problem. Let me tell you how my night went:

My husband and I went on a date tonight. It was fabulous. We went to dinner and it was quiet- no one argued, or asked me unending questions, or ate off my plate. Pure Bliss. Afterwards, the hubby wanted to go to books-a-million and walk around. I said "Sure" and off we went. We walked in the store and he bought some books and we came home. It was a great, wonderful night and all our love tanks were filled with conversations and kisses and I love you and I miss you when we don't get to do this. Amen.

Now, let me fill in what happened in between these wonderful moments.

Get at restaurant- check in and then check my #the4500 page for new comments b/c these women are cray cray up in here.

Husband walks in.... put phone down.

Husband looks at menu- look at phone in the corner of the booth where he can't see

We head to our table and start talking about vacation- he says google so and so---- I look at #the4500 page and go gosh it's going slow, give me a minute.

The waitress takes our order and the food begins to come---- "Honey, there's a couple of good places, let me see what they have available" (OH MY GOSH, that is the funniest pictures- I can't believe she posted that- hysterical"

Head to the bathroom before we leave- blessed alone time to read for a few minutes what everyone is saying now.....

Get in the car and plug my phone in "In case the kids need us and try to call, honey" (If my phone dies what will I do!! I will miss real time posting with my new best friends forever)

Get in Bookstore- Husband says I'm going over here. I'm all take your time I'm going to look over here. Find chair in the farthest corner and look at my phone. Type responses as quickly as possible because I have 1% battery life and Gosh Darnit this is important!!!!!!!!

Whew. That was the most stressful, I mean wonderful night ever.

Jen Hatmaker- New Book- For The Love - Fighting For Grace in a World of Impossible Standards", which is set for release on Aug 18, 2015. PRE-ORDER NOW at Barnes and Noble, Amazon and other retailers! Order one for a friend because you will need someone to share it with I promise!

A Controlled Burn

I've been very weepy this week for some reason. Sometimes it is part of being a woman. Sometimes it's because I'm tired and don't get enough sleep. But sometimes, it's because God just has a fire poker straight at my heart and I can't get away from it. It was in the weepy place that found myself Sunday night pulling up youtube baptism services from the Brownsville Revival. My husband and I lived in Pensacola for a year during the Brownsville Revival. We watched thousands- truly thousands come to know Jesus in a very real way. We saw the alters flood at the end of every service. On Friday nights we watched dozens of people baptized and share about their deliverance from drugs and alcohol. Murderers, religious people, people from every walk of life, young and old. People who had worshipped Buddha throwing them away because of the power of the true and living God. It was something to behold. I found myself watching this on Sunday night and weeping as I listened to testimony after testimony. The kid who had written out a plan to murder his parents, while his mom prayed for him every night. Each story more powerful than the last. As I watched this I asked myself, God, do I still have the fire in my heart that I did back then?  I feel so different then I did back then. My prayers are different. I see people differently. In 1996 when we sold out, I remember that I looked on the world knowing that they needed Jesus, but I didn't see people. I prayed for souls, but I didn't see their faces. I didn't watch TV, or listen to anything but church music. I didn't associate with anyone that didn't love Jesus as much as I did. Did I really reflect the heart of God? Was I really as on fire for him as I thought? Fast forward almost 20 years. Add in life- children, marriage, heartbreak, brokenness, sin, passivity, death, grief, mourning. Add in that huge doses of humanity and humility. Tonight as I sit and ponder this path I see my own growth, my own setbacks, my own faults and I see one thing very clearly. The fire of God in my life is going to grow in many different ways. I had a huge fire for God back then but it was all heat. All it did was burn everyone I touched. No one was holy enough or righteous enough. The standards I held myself to and everyone else around me surrounded and burned at the stake all the people in my life. That type of fire destroys people and ruins relationship. Passionate, yes- but also destructive. Today, my fire burns a little differently. I want it to be hot- but white hot. I want people to see a flame that flickers and calls people to come close to the heart of the one who tends it. I have learned that my expectation of others has to be nothing. They owe me nothing. They don't have to live their lives to my belief system. My responsibility is to allow God to fan the flame in my heart- as I seek Him, call on Him and trust Him, He grows the fire into the direction that it is supposed to be. A controlled burn, that only burns away what doesn't belong and let me tell you- People are not supposed to be collateral damage of our passion for Jesus. Now I pray for faces- people with a name and a need. I love to watch Blacklist with my husband and Happy by Pharrell is my favorite song and my flame still burns. My heart still breaks for the people who need Him, but in a very real, in the dirt, mud on my knees sort of way.  I heard a song by Sanctus Real a couple of weeks ago that started this thought process. I've put the link below and would love to share it with you. The chorus says You were on fire and church was more than a place and people were more than faces and Jesus was more than a name. It's personal. It's so personal. It's you. It's me. It's Jesus. Light my fire again Lord. I want to hold God's people close and feel the power of Jesus' name. Amen.

A side of desperation

It has been a heart wrenching night in my small community. A man-a father, a husband, killed his wife and as the night continued his life ended as well. Things like these are difficult and heart breaking to watch. They are also a part of life I wish I could shield my kids from, but know that I can't. The world is an ugly place. It's filled with people who are struggling and hurting. This morning as I took my son to school, he kept asking question after question, questions that I didn't have the answer for- that no one has the answer for. As we approached the school I finally landed on this statement- Son, people are desperate and desperation can lead you down a path with disastrous results. 

Psalms 13:12 says this:
                           Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

I love the message translation which says:
 
                          Unrelenting disappointment leaves you heartsick, but a sudden good break can 
                           make you turn your life around. 

Life is hard. Married, single, kids, career it's all hard for everybody. Throw in broken hearts, hurt feelings, and cover it with a mess of suffering and it's a wonder any of us get out of bed and walk upright. The unrelenting dissapointment of this world leaves us heartsick. It robs us of our joy and our peace and keeps us captive. But a good break turns it around. What is a good break? It's that friend calling just to say hi. Coffee Fridays at Starbucks with your girlfriends that turns into lunch.It's your people, your tribe that you know loves you and is there for you when you can't be there for yourself. It's a church family that misses you when you aren't there. It's that one friend that calls you out when you are being overly dramatic or just tells you when you are being a butt. Because, let's be real we can all be that way. Two weeks ago in church our alters were filled with people crying, desperate for a move of God in their lives. Desperate enough to come forward, to surrender everything and to seek Him. Their desperation led them to a different place. It makes me realize how important we are to each other. We need each other. People need to KNOW they aren't alone. The worst days that I have are the ones where the enemy convinces me that I'm alone. We are never alone. God is always with us. He loves us, desperately loves us. And He gave us people to surround us and hold us when we are broken and to be a safe place for us when we are desperate. People that are the hands and feet of Jesus. 

It's a broken world. But if you love Jesus you have the glue. Find someone today and just love them. Reach out to them. Go through your phone and find that friend, maybe it's the one that always needs you, so you don't always answer when they call. Be there. Life is fleeting and your friendship may be the one thing that helps them stay the path.  You may be all they have. Share your heart with them. Share Jesus with them. Be desperate enough FOR them to know that your answer may be the difference to them. Your desperation for Christ, the realization that He is what they need could save their life. 

My Shifting Path

You know I have all these new thoughts rolling around my head that I'm still trying to make sense of. Yesterday I was talking to one of my Deans at school and had quite the revelation of the shifting of the path that I'm on.

Three years ago I was very submersed in teaching inner healing, doing women's retreats and leading worship. I love teaching. I love studying something and seeing it all just lay out in such a clear way. I love seeing people realize who they are and walk in healing from their past and all that binds them. However, the more my personal life shifted away from groups of people, the less I had to opportunity to do those things. I've been getting phone calls to teach, or do a weekend here and there and I haven't had the heart. I did one training class and it was so hard to go back and do it again. Why? I kept asking the Lord to show me why something I loved so much was no longer joyful for me.  All I would get was the scripture about pouring new wine into old wine skins. I get the reference but I don't have anything new, and plus this is good stuff. What's wrong with it. I just have walked around really feeling without a purpose, for a long time. Several weeks ago my sweet Pastors sang this song called "When I Lay my Isaac Down". I loved the words and even enjoyed it, despite it's old time roots. I wasn't particularly moved by it, and really haven't thought much about it since. Enter my conversation yesterday. As we talked I shared with him about the things I've been reading about serving others. About God's call (mandate) to serve others, to meet their needs, to reach out to those around us. It suddenly, like a lightening bolt hit me. I had to let go of what I thought my purpose was, what I thought I was "good" at. I had to be willing to let it all go.  Somewhere in the midst of being lonely, sad and searching I became desperate and hungry and willing to do whatever God called me to do. Whatever it looked like. Can I be very very real with you? That whole dark night of the soul is real people. Being so far down that you just want to stay home and not talk or be with anyone. I've lived it for almost 2 years. The last 2 months has been by far the worst, darkest place. But in that place- inside the cave that I've been in God has been doing something in my heart. He has changed something in me and I know that I will never be the same. There has been a shifting- like a bone being set. Like a wandering pilgrim, finding the path. Like a broken heart being snapped together.

I still don't know what this will look like. I know that Matthew 25 and Isaiah 58 are going to be burned on my heart in a new way forever. I know the world looks different, the people in it different. I know that God will show me what that is going to look like, eventually. And I'm ok with that. I'm ok with simply knowing that He has the plan. (When I get antsy will someone remind me I said this) I'm even ok with my heart being broken, because I know He can put it back together. And that in the brokenness is where I find Him the most. I know that brokenness doesn't mean that I'm broken. My flesh breaks. My spirit thrives. The more broken I feel, the more desperate I am- the more I listen for that still small voice to speak to me. The more broken I am the more I seek Him.

I want to share this song with you today and just pray that God uses it in whatever way you need it in your life during this season.

The Broken Heart

I have discovered these past few weeks that I feel like I have multiple personalities. I'm always amazed that at times when I'm broken, devastated and struggling is when I also seem spiritually strong (weak), Wise (so not) and close to God (where is He again). I feel so undone in my life right now. Don't be nice to me, I might start sobbing on you. Don't be mean... same result. I went to a football game for our hometown that we moved from a year ago and yelled "Go Indians" and promptly burst into tears. It's a dicey road friends let me tell you.... you should probably pray for my husband.

Yesterday as I drove home, I ended up alone in my car and had the ability to just spend some time with the music off and thinking. I do my best thinking in my car. Maybe it's the silence and  the ability to be undisturbed that allows our minds to wonder and see into where we are. My conversation yesterday started with just a cry from my heart going God, I can't handle any more heartbreak. I saw in my minds eye every piece of my heart laying around me. Shattered, broken into pieces. I'm frantically grabbing them, pulling them toward me, desperately trying to put them together again. Trying to make them fit together to form a whole. As I meditated on this picture I heard very clearly God say to me "Stop. Stop trying to fix your heart. I can't use you unless it's broken." (yes, I'm already crying as I type this)

Is it easy? No, it hurts. Can I just tell you... it hurts. It is a pain that I hate experiencing, I hate walking through. I hate watching relationships in my life change and people in my life move in and out and look differently. I hate not being able to control what is going to happen. But I know, I know, I know that God uses brokenness as a means to make us aware. He  has opened my eyes to things that I miss. Things like:

-People at church that I never make time to speak to b/c I'm so busy with the people I've been close too. 
- The mother at Wal mart that I saw adding her items in her grocery cart trying to decide if she can afford that gallon of milk.
- The friend on facebook that I see is crying out for attention b/c they are lonely and feels like no one cares but would never admit it out loud.
- That person that has always wanted to be my friend but I never saw them because their quiet spirit was lost around so many others in my life that were so loud.

And these are just things in my immediate life that need a radical encounter with the Jesus that I say I love so much.

God is putting my heart together again. I firmly believe that as He is putting together he is joining the pieces with a true love for His people around me.  Do you know what I've realized? All my friends that I am around on a daily basis are Christians. I don't want that anymore. I love my church, and I love the people that walk this faith life with me. But I can't justify anywhere in the Bible that tells me to cloister myself in a group of people just like me all the live long day. It tells me to love my neighbor. It tells me to love my enemies. It tells me that the very Spirit of God is on me to take good news to the poor and offer freedom for the captives. If our churches are hospitals and we as believers are the caregivers.... where are the sick people. They are laying on the street dying and no one ever sees. I haven't seen. I walk right by them every day. At the grocery store, at Wal-Mart, at the gas station. People are bleeding and dying and I miss it. Oh God I miss it. So while my broken heart is painful- it is bringing out a radical awakening in my life. What is it going to look like as I walk it out? I have no earthly idea. I just know I can't live a grand commitment to religiosity anymore. I must live a life committed to Christ-whatever it looks like, whatever it costs.

So this is a new journey.... I think I've decided to take a jump off that cliff. Here goes nothing. Here is everything. Use me Lord. Just use me.

Jumping off a cliff.....

It's coming. I feel it. I have visions of the opening sequence of Mary Poppins where the wind blows and the shift happens. I feel it. For weeks I have felt undone... disconnected... I blamed it on different things happening in my life but now I can't. I know this feeling, yet it is different and new. I can already tell that this one is going to cost me. I've been on this slippery slope for a while and I know that I'm close to going over the edge. And there is a scary, very real, possibility I can never come back fromvcliff. A place that is either all in or all out but you can't just hang around and look over the edge. Which I think is where I've been the last three years. I know that this place is going to cost me relationships and people that I hold dear. I'm in the process of counting the cost and honestly don't know if I'm ready but I know that I can't stay where I'm at anymore.

God wants me. He wants all of me. He doesn't want my theology, he doesn't want my pretty life that is ordered with my kids in church and all is well. I think he wants me in the mud, in the water, drowning going GOD I KNOW YOU WILL SAVE ME! He wants me in that place where someone just needs someone to love them and I want it to. I can't stay here. I want to find the homeless man on the street that smells and give him a sandwich and just sit and let him tell me about his family- because he has one. I want to find the homosexual and share a meal and tell him that I love him just the way he is and that there is a Father with a radical love for him. I don't have to change him to love him. I simply have to love him. I want to go to the lady that walks in the sanctuary on Sunday and maybe her dress is a little low cut and maybe she's a little too friendly but I want to welcome her and tell her how glad I am that she's there. I want to find the group of kids that sit in the corner and dare anyone to talk to them. I want to buy them coffee and send it over so they know I get it but that someone is still there when they are ready. I want to move anywhere, sell anything and love anyone that you want me too. Without hesitation. Without the trappings of this life that I have built for myself. God free me from all that holds me and keeps me from being free to follow you. Including myself. My pride, my need for approval, my need for the friends I love. My need for anything that is greater than my need for you. Because I've had all those things and I still have deep empty places in my life. Places I know that only you can fill. Places that I know you have put a destiny and purpose inside of that I haven't even begun to discover or dig up. I want what the world calls RADICAL but you call GRACE. What the world is so busy protecting and hiding you call out in the open to be transparent and honest so that through our brokenness you are revealed because we are just like the world- we just happen to know the Healer.

I'm not sure how to get to this place. I have a feeling it just starts with me hurtling myself over and going all in. Help my Lord to take that step. To be that person. Help to not care when the persecution comes, when no one understands because it's about you. Not me. So here's to jumping off the cliff. I wouldn't dare ask anyone to come with me. Only to know that all are welcome.

To the kid that called my son the "N" word today......

To the kid that called my son the "N" word in front of me today,

I will admit it. My first thought was to grab you and not in a loving, kind way. More of a jerk a knot in your tail kind of way. Show you that you do not act that way young man and march you to the principal myself. But you took off down the hall in your bright orange shirt for all the world to see and acted like it was nothing to you to belittle and use such a horrific word toward someone.. namely my son. I ruminated on your comment most of the afternoon as I ran from place to place. Lucky for you (and me) I love Jesus and today chose to listen to Him and not my flesh or it might have ended badly in the hallway of Wilbanks Middle School, for both of us.

As I walked with my son from class to class I continued a conversation that I have had every day for the last year. He tells me how bad his school is and I tell him that the world is all searching for Jesus. And then you happened. He looked at me with a "SEE MOM" face that made me want to cry for the lost innocence that happens in middle school when kids make bad decisions and share the discovery of them with everyone they come in contact with. It really is a place of darkness. But you know what? My son is a light in that darkness. I'm a light in that darkness. Anyone who lives with kindness and love for those around them has the ability to be light. We just finished vacation bible school at our church and the theme was SHINE! One of songs was part of the old Sunday school song that said "this little light, this little light, gonna let it shine". Individually our lights may seem small. A candle emits very little light. But in a darkened room, no matter the size even the tiniest light cuts through the darkness and makes a difference. God calls christians to be part of the world, but separate. I think we miss it by separating ourselves but never being a part. We are the salt, the light, we are what God uses to bring about change to those in darkness. We have to be part of the world to do that. I told someone tonight that sometimes we take the high road and place ourselves so high that no one can reach us much less be affected by us. I'm even more convinced that there is far more done in the trenches in the dirt than from the pew on Sunday morning, surrounded by people just like us, who really never challenge us at all. My answer to my son today was simply this. Pray for him. Love him. It's not your job to tell him what he did was wrong. It's your job to be different, respond differently and know that God can use you to change him.

Did you know young man that you make a difference, good or bad to the world around you. I want you to know that you are on my radar. Every time I set foot in the school I'm going to look for you, speak to you, smile at you, offer to buy you popcorn at the football game. I'm going to show you that you matter in an inordinate amount to every one you meet. I pray that at some point during the next year, that you realize that you have a candle in your hand and will allow Christ to light it so that you too will be part of a group of kids that shine light in the darkness that you walk through every day at school.

And thank God that he is stronger than my fleshly responses. I'm going to do that to.

Love,

A little light that just wants to Shine