Jumping off a cliff.....

It's coming. I feel it. I have visions of the opening sequence of Mary Poppins where the wind blows and the shift happens. I feel it. For weeks I have felt undone... disconnected... I blamed it on different things happening in my life but now I can't. I know this feeling, yet it is different and new. I can already tell that this one is going to cost me. I've been on this slippery slope for a while and I know that I'm close to going over the edge. And there is a scary, very real, possibility I can never come back fromvcliff. A place that is either all in or all out but you can't just hang around and look over the edge. Which I think is where I've been the last three years. I know that this place is going to cost me relationships and people that I hold dear. I'm in the process of counting the cost and honestly don't know if I'm ready but I know that I can't stay where I'm at anymore.

God wants me. He wants all of me. He doesn't want my theology, he doesn't want my pretty life that is ordered with my kids in church and all is well. I think he wants me in the mud, in the water, drowning going GOD I KNOW YOU WILL SAVE ME! He wants me in that place where someone just needs someone to love them and I want it to. I can't stay here. I want to find the homeless man on the street that smells and give him a sandwich and just sit and let him tell me about his family- because he has one. I want to find the homosexual and share a meal and tell him that I love him just the way he is and that there is a Father with a radical love for him. I don't have to change him to love him. I simply have to love him. I want to go to the lady that walks in the sanctuary on Sunday and maybe her dress is a little low cut and maybe she's a little too friendly but I want to welcome her and tell her how glad I am that she's there. I want to find the group of kids that sit in the corner and dare anyone to talk to them. I want to buy them coffee and send it over so they know I get it but that someone is still there when they are ready. I want to move anywhere, sell anything and love anyone that you want me too. Without hesitation. Without the trappings of this life that I have built for myself. God free me from all that holds me and keeps me from being free to follow you. Including myself. My pride, my need for approval, my need for the friends I love. My need for anything that is greater than my need for you. Because I've had all those things and I still have deep empty places in my life. Places I know that only you can fill. Places that I know you have put a destiny and purpose inside of that I haven't even begun to discover or dig up. I want what the world calls RADICAL but you call GRACE. What the world is so busy protecting and hiding you call out in the open to be transparent and honest so that through our brokenness you are revealed because we are just like the world- we just happen to know the Healer.

I'm not sure how to get to this place. I have a feeling it just starts with me hurtling myself over and going all in. Help my Lord to take that step. To be that person. Help to not care when the persecution comes, when no one understands because it's about you. Not me. So here's to jumping off the cliff. I wouldn't dare ask anyone to come with me. Only to know that all are welcome.