I've been having lots of conversations lately about trusting God. I've been having these conversations with God as I drive to work and drive home each day. The conversations usually goes like this.
ME: God I trust you and know that you have a great plan.
GOD: (snort) No you don't
ME: God, I'm learning how to trust you and I want to know that you have a great plan
GOD: lol... it sounds good in your head but no you don't
ME: Ok, fine I don't trust, I have a hard time believing but I really want to.
GOD: your almost to the truth
ME: Fine, I don't trust, I don't see a plan and sometimes I really wonder just what the hell you are doing up there.
GOD: That I can work with
(Maybe you don't talk to God like that, but me, I've learned he knows I'm thinking it anyway so I might as well be honest so he can help the whole way, not just a little bit)
In the midst of this conversation process I've been listening to a song called Hero by Catherine Mullins. The lyrics talk about laying it down and giving it and knowing that Jesus is our hero and He will always come to our circumstances. As I was driving to work with this conversation in my mind, God asked me "What do you think a hero looks like". And because I am a complete princess in my heart I said it would a knight on a white horse coming in to slay the dragon. God shook his head and said that's your problem. Your are looking for the hero to come in and rescue when He's really never left and he's always been there. He showed me a picture of an earthquake and the ground was shaking and moving and breaking apart. When you backed up away from the picture you see that the ground was sitting in his hands. He said when the bottom falls out, when you are shaken, scared, worried and wondering when I will rescue all you have to know is that I am always holding you and will never let you go. I've never let you go. Not once have I ever been one step away from you. It was one of those moments where I just had to sit back and go "whoa...."
What an amazing revelation. What an amazing picture of who God is and His presence in our life. What an amazing testament to His promise that He will never leave or forsake us. What I've learned is that His rescuing rarely ever looks like what I think it is supposed to look like. Sometimes I wonder if the things that happen are His plan or His redemption. Does it matter? Am I really so controlling that I can't even let God rescue and move in the way that He sees? Yes I am. and Yes I have been. But I'm know that He has a plan. My job is to simply shut up and get out of the way so that He work His plan. I realized that in the last month I've gotten a new house, a new job, and a new car- that just happens to be blue. Do you think God might be doing a new work in my life? In the last week, as I've been really intentionally praying to surrender and trust God, I've found a joy that I've been missing. I feel more... peaceful and less harried. I'm able to handle the circumstances that come my way. I'm able to deflect the attacks of the enemy in a positive way. Because I know that I don't have to defend. God is my hero and He is coming to my rescue. He's catching me so I don't have to hold on the anything. I can let it all go.
Here is the link to listen to the song I referred to....
My Hero by Catherine Mullins
Friday, February 8, 2013
Friday, January 11, 2013
Messy Christianity
When I was a child I had the messiest room you have ever seen. No matter what, I could never keep my room clean. It was awful. I got more spankings and punishments for my messy room than I did anything else. I just couldn't keep it clean. My mom would always say in her mother voice "A place for everything and everything in it's place" which is great if you remember where "the place" was that everything was supposed to go. But I had other things to do. Like drawing, pretending to be a mommy with my baby dolls (who by the way, I didn't care if they cleaned their room or not, cause I was an awesome babydoll mommy) singing loudly to oldies music, playing dress up, etc. It was a full plate for little girl and much more important than cleaning my room. Fast forward many years and I am now the one fussing at my kids to clean their room, put their things away, etc. "Why is your room so messy? Can't you put your laundry in the right drawer? My kids give me the same look I gave my mom-- the look that says mom don't you know I have better things to worry about?
Mess. It means something so different to adults then it does to kids. As adults we want order, lists, details. Kids want..... well kids want to be kids. To live in the moment. To be loved. To be accepted. To laugh, play games, smile, and to eat. They always want to eat. I think we tend to be the same way about church. We want our faith, our beliefs, our "charities" to all fit in neat boxes. A box for Sunday, a box for the children's program, a box for the youth, a box for giving, a box for the needy.
The problem is that this faith, this walk that we are on is not packaged and organized in neat little baskets on a shelf. It's a breathing organism teeming with life and it's messy. It's the equilivent of getting your baby dressed in a beautiful outfit only to walk out the door and find out they have poop going up their back. You can't plan it. You can't organize it. Because when you live in the little boxes you miss the part that's alive and growing around you. You know what the great thing about it is though? That in the messiness, in the parts we can't control- that's how God does some of His greatest work. When my mess gets out of hand He uses someone to come and help me and be a part of it. My mess might have leaked over into your life, but that's ok because I'm not called to carry my mess by myself. We are called as the body of Christ to carry one another's messes. (or burdens, use whatever word works for ya) to encourage, lift up, exhort. To be there. The simply be a part of one another's life.
Maybe that's a difficult concept for someone. Maybe you read this, giggle cause I said poop, nod because in theory you agree and move on in your life. Or maybe you read this, giggle cause I said poop, and stop. Stop and ask God. Where have I organized and cleaned you out of my life? Where have I missed your plans, because they were to messy for me to get my hands in? We live in a messy world. Our hope is not in knowing that Jesus is going to clean our rooms, it's knowing that at the end of the mess, He is always there. Leading us through the mess to a place where we see Him and He changes us, so that through us others find Him. Do you get that? Do you get that it's not about what "works" for us? It's about what changes us so others can see that He is in the midst of their own mess. We have GOT to stop trying to clean up everything and everyone. Just be in the moment. Love people, Accept people. Laugh, Smile. Wade through the messiness and find someone that needs you.
May you be covered in all the messiness the world has to offer today and laugh the whole time!
Mess. It means something so different to adults then it does to kids. As adults we want order, lists, details. Kids want..... well kids want to be kids. To live in the moment. To be loved. To be accepted. To laugh, play games, smile, and to eat. They always want to eat. I think we tend to be the same way about church. We want our faith, our beliefs, our "charities" to all fit in neat boxes. A box for Sunday, a box for the children's program, a box for the youth, a box for giving, a box for the needy.
The problem is that this faith, this walk that we are on is not packaged and organized in neat little baskets on a shelf. It's a breathing organism teeming with life and it's messy. It's the equilivent of getting your baby dressed in a beautiful outfit only to walk out the door and find out they have poop going up their back. You can't plan it. You can't organize it. Because when you live in the little boxes you miss the part that's alive and growing around you. You know what the great thing about it is though? That in the messiness, in the parts we can't control- that's how God does some of His greatest work. When my mess gets out of hand He uses someone to come and help me and be a part of it. My mess might have leaked over into your life, but that's ok because I'm not called to carry my mess by myself. We are called as the body of Christ to carry one another's messes. (or burdens, use whatever word works for ya) to encourage, lift up, exhort. To be there. The simply be a part of one another's life.
Maybe that's a difficult concept for someone. Maybe you read this, giggle cause I said poop, nod because in theory you agree and move on in your life. Or maybe you read this, giggle cause I said poop, and stop. Stop and ask God. Where have I organized and cleaned you out of my life? Where have I missed your plans, because they were to messy for me to get my hands in? We live in a messy world. Our hope is not in knowing that Jesus is going to clean our rooms, it's knowing that at the end of the mess, He is always there. Leading us through the mess to a place where we see Him and He changes us, so that through us others find Him. Do you get that? Do you get that it's not about what "works" for us? It's about what changes us so others can see that He is in the midst of their own mess. We have GOT to stop trying to clean up everything and everyone. Just be in the moment. Love people, Accept people. Laugh, Smile. Wade through the messiness and find someone that needs you.
May you be covered in all the messiness the world has to offer today and laugh the whole time!
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Lessons from Les Miserables
Last night Jeremy and I celebrated 16 years of marriage. I can't believe it's been 16 years. I can honestly say that I love this man I share my life with more today than I ever have. But in full disclosure, we only knew each other 19 days before we got married so up was really the only way to go.
For our anniversary we went to see Les Miserables. This is one of Jeremy's favorite musicals. I have heard all the music and knew the story, but I have never seen the show. If you don't know the story here is a quick synoposis. Jean Valjean has served 19 years in a work prison for stealing a loaf of bread to feed his sister.When he finally becomes free, through many circumstances he is faced with a turning point to live his life for good. However, Inspector Javert who had been one of the guards when he was enslaved in the galleys, figures out who he is. The way the story is written you are set up to see Jean Valjean as the good guy and Javert as the bad. However, as I watched the story weave last night in the theatre, I saw something different. I saw Javert as a man who was upholding the law as it had been taught to him. In his mind there was the law, and punishment had to be dealt in order to uphold the value and the letter of the law. Jean Valjean represented grace and redemption, but that was not what Javert was hired to do. He was hired to make sure it was carried out. It was having a bird's eye view to see both sides and to see that neither was the enemy, they were simply on different sides of the circumstance. Javert wasn't evil, he just didn't know or understand how to operate in grace. He could have learned a few things from Jean Valjean. But not knowing didn't make him the enemy. In the end of the movie, he lets Jean Valjean go but in the process of giving out grace, commits suicide because he can't live with the thought of not delivering out a just punishment. Watching that unfold made me look at circumstances that have happened in my life. Have I applied grace? Am I looking to mete out punishment for unatoned sins? Am I holding someone or something to my standards without offering a chance for change or redemption?
I think we all, in the best and worst of circumstances, play to one character or the other. Sometimes to the detriment of ourselves, or of others. We miss God's plan because it doesn't look or seem the way that we think it should. Someone doesn't act or respond the way we think they should. What is our responsibility? Judgment or grace? What has God really called us to do? I think that we are called to be many things in different circumstances. Sometimes we need to offer grace, sometimes we need to stand firm in the truth and the word. However all things must be done in love. That is the responsibility we carry as Christians. Regardless of the person or circumstances, we must always wrap every thought, conversation and relationship in love. The Bible says that they know we are Christians by our love. So we must always be careful that we represent Christ in our actions, our deeds and our words. In the last several months, I have played both parts in my life. I've also learned especially in the last couple of months that life is to short to hold everyone to a list of standards. That grace and forgiveness go a long way, even when it isn't returned. That all I can control is my responses, and my judgments. I've come to the realization that it just isn't worth it. It's not worth the stress, concern, pain and confusion that it brings with it. I've also learned that someone coming to me and saying I love you and I'm sorry goes so much further than any "lesson" they want to teach me. I've experienced first hand the difference something wrapped in love does. I've learned that the compassion in their eyes comes out in the words they are saying and it touches that deep place where God heals and touches our hearts. God used someone last week to do this for me and I'm amazed at the difference it has made and in my ability to release and let go. You should try it. I dare ya!
May you enter this new year submerged a little deeper into the love of Christ and share that love with everyone you meet.
For our anniversary we went to see Les Miserables. This is one of Jeremy's favorite musicals. I have heard all the music and knew the story, but I have never seen the show. If you don't know the story here is a quick synoposis. Jean Valjean has served 19 years in a work prison for stealing a loaf of bread to feed his sister.When he finally becomes free, through many circumstances he is faced with a turning point to live his life for good. However, Inspector Javert who had been one of the guards when he was enslaved in the galleys, figures out who he is. The way the story is written you are set up to see Jean Valjean as the good guy and Javert as the bad. However, as I watched the story weave last night in the theatre, I saw something different. I saw Javert as a man who was upholding the law as it had been taught to him. In his mind there was the law, and punishment had to be dealt in order to uphold the value and the letter of the law. Jean Valjean represented grace and redemption, but that was not what Javert was hired to do. He was hired to make sure it was carried out. It was having a bird's eye view to see both sides and to see that neither was the enemy, they were simply on different sides of the circumstance. Javert wasn't evil, he just didn't know or understand how to operate in grace. He could have learned a few things from Jean Valjean. But not knowing didn't make him the enemy. In the end of the movie, he lets Jean Valjean go but in the process of giving out grace, commits suicide because he can't live with the thought of not delivering out a just punishment. Watching that unfold made me look at circumstances that have happened in my life. Have I applied grace? Am I looking to mete out punishment for unatoned sins? Am I holding someone or something to my standards without offering a chance for change or redemption?
I think we all, in the best and worst of circumstances, play to one character or the other. Sometimes to the detriment of ourselves, or of others. We miss God's plan because it doesn't look or seem the way that we think it should. Someone doesn't act or respond the way we think they should. What is our responsibility? Judgment or grace? What has God really called us to do? I think that we are called to be many things in different circumstances. Sometimes we need to offer grace, sometimes we need to stand firm in the truth and the word. However all things must be done in love. That is the responsibility we carry as Christians. Regardless of the person or circumstances, we must always wrap every thought, conversation and relationship in love. The Bible says that they know we are Christians by our love. So we must always be careful that we represent Christ in our actions, our deeds and our words. In the last several months, I have played both parts in my life. I've also learned especially in the last couple of months that life is to short to hold everyone to a list of standards. That grace and forgiveness go a long way, even when it isn't returned. That all I can control is my responses, and my judgments. I've come to the realization that it just isn't worth it. It's not worth the stress, concern, pain and confusion that it brings with it. I've also learned that someone coming to me and saying I love you and I'm sorry goes so much further than any "lesson" they want to teach me. I've experienced first hand the difference something wrapped in love does. I've learned that the compassion in their eyes comes out in the words they are saying and it touches that deep place where God heals and touches our hearts. God used someone last week to do this for me and I'm amazed at the difference it has made and in my ability to release and let go. You should try it. I dare ya!
May you enter this new year submerged a little deeper into the love of Christ and share that love with everyone you meet.
Monday, November 5, 2012
The cost of the Snow
I had a dream last night that our family was going skiing. I dreamed about the drive to the ski resort, getting checked in, renting the equipment. The kids trying on their pants, boots, skis, jackets, everything. I remember thinking the whole time... we don't have the money to do this. How are we going to pay for this? I'm gonna use my debit card and it's going to decline. A majority of the dream was the getting ready part. Then I got to the counter to pay and sure enough.. card declined. I thought about it for a little while this morning and then got busy with my day. I am helping a friend design a logo for his ministry so I sat with him a couple of hours and on the way to pick up the kids from school I thought I need to look up what skiing means in my dream book. But then supper, and homework and wrestling practice all kicked in. I just put my kids to bed and thought I need to look that up. Know what skiing represents FAITH. You know sometimes God speaks to us and we have to really meditate on it. We have to chew on it, pray about it, share it with our close friends. Really digest it. And then sometimes God speaks to us and it's like a "DUH" moment. As soon as I read what it meant. BAM. God showed me. He's going to give me what I have faith for. Jeremy and I are in a very transitional time in our lives. My job circumstance has changed, his, while a great environment, doesn't support our family. So we have been praying and seeking and going God what are you doing? How are you going to take care of us. I've been scouring classifieds, talking, begging, anything to find out what is happening. But I haven't been doing a lot of sitting, or waiting, or praying. This week every time I got in my car and turned on the radio God said no, turn it off. Pray. Pray. Pray. So I have driven in a quiet car, just praying. While I still don't know what is happening, or what it's going to look like, I do have a peace in knowing that He does and He is going to let me know when I need to know. When it's time for me to pay, I'll have what I need, I just have to trust that He's going to provide it.
I wanted to write this out because I think we all need a reminder of who we serve. A reminder of whose hands we have entrusted our hearts, our families, our needs, our wants too. He makes the snow. I'm sure he can handle the cost of playing in it.
I wanted to write this out because I think we all need a reminder of who we serve. A reminder of whose hands we have entrusted our hearts, our families, our needs, our wants too. He makes the snow. I'm sure he can handle the cost of playing in it.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
The song within
A friend is one who hears the song in your heart and sings it to you when your memory fails
I read this quote this recently and it has really given me lots to think about. I have been walking through a season where there has been lots of sifting in relationships in my life. It has been a very painful difficult process for me. I have been so hurt by the rejection of people in my life that I thought would always be there. Through the process I have found God refining many areas of my heart. I asked someone recently if they thought that God had caused the rift. They responded that even if He didn't cause the rift, that He had a purpose for it. I'm learning all the places that I put people in my life that only God is supposed to be. My trust is to be in HIM not in a person or a ministry. I have also been equally amazed at the people He has brought into my life during this season. People that have helped me walk through a dark place and shown me the truth and the light. As I read this quote I felt a new appreciation for the people and the season of my life. Every person that I come in contact with, or am in relationship with God uses to pull something or put something in our lives. When my husband and I are in relationship with each other a beautiful love song pours out of our heart. When I feel unloved, rejected, sad or overwhelmed, Jeremy sings that song to me to remind me of who I am to him. Our friends work the same way. They are there to remind us of who we are. I believe this is all part of God's plan for relationships in this world. I have a new friend in my life that I love dearly. I sat at her house the other day and she shared her heart and how she feel like people will never see her for who she is because of the mistakes she's made. I left her house so heartbroken for her pain. The next day I read this quote and I begin to pray God please help me to sing the song to her that she needs. I want to be that person to the people in my life. One of my favorite verses is in Romans and it says very simply "For WE know that all things work together for the good of those who love Him. I know that if she doesn't remember that WE remember. It's about being part of the body, and encouraging others. When one of us forgets, WE remember and sing that song to help them remember. It's part of being a believer. It's part of loving and reaching beyond ourselves. I am painting this quote for my friend. I want her to see everyday that even when she feels down, that I will sing her song and remind her of who she is. I will sing it until she hears the notes and melodies coming from deep within and then together we will sing a beautiful melodious harmony that comes when 2 voices blend in a perfect way. When two lives that are put together to form a bond to help us walk this path of life.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Blenders can be good
Here's to the first part of the process.........
For those in the know there have been a lot of changes happening in my life. I am thoroughly convinced that God has taken everything in my life and put it in a blender and turned it on high. Yep. That sounds about right. When all this started with losing my job in June at Waypoint, I was convinced my life is over. Today, I am convinced that my life is just beginning. I believe that God is pulling, dragging, yanking, calling, wooing, but intentionally placing me on a path that I wonder if I would have ever found had circumstances not happened the way they did. I am even more convinced that His plans are going to be so much better than my plans were going to be. The hardest part of all change is the breaking and changing of relationships. I have found myself dealing with rejection from people that I thought would always be there for me. The lesson that I keep hearing over and over and over from God is that there is no replacement in my life for HIM. He is the only person that will ALWAYS, CONSISTENTLY, NEVER let me down. Honestly it's a lesson that I think he's been trying to teach me for many many years. While I hate the pain involved in learning it, I know that the lesson learned is going to result in beautiful growth for my life. I'm learning that the growth that comes from pain is a lasting growth. Not just a lesson. I don't want to just be taught a lesson, I want to grow and change and be who God is calling me to be. I'll be honest, it's the hardest thing I've ever done. Because of my human condition I have to work through the hurt, pain and misunderstandings associated with change. I also have to work through my need to have everyone like me. I have to realize that God ALWAYS loves me. But more than realize it I have to believe it which brings me to:
The second part of this process.....
With the loss of my job I begin the process of OH CRAP I have to pay my bills. A friend of mine told me about a company called It Works Global. This company sells amazing supplements and nutriments. (I will be more than happy to tell you about their amazing products but that's not what this is about). My friend Glory introduced me to the company back in March and I signed up to sell but because of my work schedule I really didn't have the energy or focus to put into it. With the loss of my job she kept telling me you need to do this, this is going to help your family. So she talked me into going to a conference in Nashville for training. The conference was called Ignite and honestly I went just to be with her. However, God did something amazing in my heart. On Saturday am we all showed up at the ballroom to get ready. Lots of dancing, celebrating, excitement, hype, etc. You get the picture. I watched all these people so excited about the money they were making, the products, the company. And then it happened. God spoke so clearly to me and said This is what I want you to do. And then the OTHER thing happened. I. didn't. believe. it.
I sat in my chair in that conference all day and cried. ALL DAY! I couldn't stop. I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I alternated between wanting to run away and wanting to hear everything that was said. I wanted to be convinced (because obviously God saying it was not enough) that it would work for me. Because honestly what I believed was that everything was great, it just would never happen for me. At one point we broke up into groups and the lady asked What's your number? Not the monetary number of how much money you need to make but the number you need to change your life. I sat there and thought of all the dreams I had buried deep in my heart and for the first time in a long time I saw this little shoot of grass burst through the soil. As the day ended this amazing godly woman named Tina stood up an addressed the group. She looked at everyone in the room and made a very simple statement. "What do you decide that you deserve"? At the moment the switch flipped. My resolve grew. and I knew. I KNEW... do you hear me I KNEW that my life was taking a path that God was laying before me. I knew it would be work. Success is not convenient, but you know what neither is ministry, or parenting or any other thing of value in my life. You work at what you know God has called you to do. One of the sweet ladies there shared this little tidbit "We have so many voices in our head and they all need to AGREE!!!!"
So what does this all have to do with the title blenders can be good? OK, I'm glad you asked......
I love ice cream. And in my house we like to make milkshakes. We mix in milk, chocolate, vanilla, ice cream and other goodies to put together this wonderful treat. However, did you know that other people use their blenders to make like healthy things? I know, me either!!! My friend makes smoothies everyday. He mixes in blueberries, kale, spinach, bananas, juice, carrots. All assorted items. I do not like kale or spinach. I'm not real fond of blueberries either. However what comes out of that blender is delicious!!! Here's my point. Losing my job sucked, losing my friends... yeah another suck. But when all that is blended with an opportunity to be home with my kids, to help run our household, to find THE PATH that God has for me. It makes everything else go down better. Because all of it is healthy and good for you, even if it doesn't taste good when it is mixed the RIGHT way it is delicious! Every single day my son Zachary looks at me when I pick him up from school and says Mom I'm so glad you get to pick me up and be home with me. Do you know how priceless that is? How it makes my heart sing. It makes that little shoot in my heart grow a little more. It is Good. Change is hard but it is GOOD.
I want to encourage you. Maybe your going through a change in your life you just don't understand. Maybe your looking at circumstances and your thought process can't even fathom how this will work out. Find God. Seek Him, Search for Him, Talk to Him, Yell if you have to. but FIND GOD. Because He works out EVERYTHING for our good. Trust Him. Even the things the enemy means for evil He will turn them into good. No matter what you are given... job loss, grief, depression, illness, cancer, desperation, hopelessness?He will add to it just the right mix to make it exactly what you need... Just hang in there and don't quit. Don't quit don't quit don't quit. ARE YOU LISTENING???????? DON'T QUIT!!!! Your path could appear tomorrow. DON'T QUIT!!! You can do this! I promise.. He will not fail you or let you go!!!!!!!
For those in the know there have been a lot of changes happening in my life. I am thoroughly convinced that God has taken everything in my life and put it in a blender and turned it on high. Yep. That sounds about right. When all this started with losing my job in June at Waypoint, I was convinced my life is over. Today, I am convinced that my life is just beginning. I believe that God is pulling, dragging, yanking, calling, wooing, but intentionally placing me on a path that I wonder if I would have ever found had circumstances not happened the way they did. I am even more convinced that His plans are going to be so much better than my plans were going to be. The hardest part of all change is the breaking and changing of relationships. I have found myself dealing with rejection from people that I thought would always be there for me. The lesson that I keep hearing over and over and over from God is that there is no replacement in my life for HIM. He is the only person that will ALWAYS, CONSISTENTLY, NEVER let me down. Honestly it's a lesson that I think he's been trying to teach me for many many years. While I hate the pain involved in learning it, I know that the lesson learned is going to result in beautiful growth for my life. I'm learning that the growth that comes from pain is a lasting growth. Not just a lesson. I don't want to just be taught a lesson, I want to grow and change and be who God is calling me to be. I'll be honest, it's the hardest thing I've ever done. Because of my human condition I have to work through the hurt, pain and misunderstandings associated with change. I also have to work through my need to have everyone like me. I have to realize that God ALWAYS loves me. But more than realize it I have to believe it which brings me to:
The second part of this process.....
With the loss of my job I begin the process of OH CRAP I have to pay my bills. A friend of mine told me about a company called It Works Global. This company sells amazing supplements and nutriments. (I will be more than happy to tell you about their amazing products but that's not what this is about). My friend Glory introduced me to the company back in March and I signed up to sell but because of my work schedule I really didn't have the energy or focus to put into it. With the loss of my job she kept telling me you need to do this, this is going to help your family. So she talked me into going to a conference in Nashville for training. The conference was called Ignite and honestly I went just to be with her. However, God did something amazing in my heart. On Saturday am we all showed up at the ballroom to get ready. Lots of dancing, celebrating, excitement, hype, etc. You get the picture. I watched all these people so excited about the money they were making, the products, the company. And then it happened. God spoke so clearly to me and said This is what I want you to do. And then the OTHER thing happened. I. didn't. believe. it.
I sat in my chair in that conference all day and cried. ALL DAY! I couldn't stop. I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I alternated between wanting to run away and wanting to hear everything that was said. I wanted to be convinced (because obviously God saying it was not enough) that it would work for me. Because honestly what I believed was that everything was great, it just would never happen for me. At one point we broke up into groups and the lady asked What's your number? Not the monetary number of how much money you need to make but the number you need to change your life. I sat there and thought of all the dreams I had buried deep in my heart and for the first time in a long time I saw this little shoot of grass burst through the soil. As the day ended this amazing godly woman named Tina stood up an addressed the group. She looked at everyone in the room and made a very simple statement. "What do you decide that you deserve"? At the moment the switch flipped. My resolve grew. and I knew. I KNEW... do you hear me I KNEW that my life was taking a path that God was laying before me. I knew it would be work. Success is not convenient, but you know what neither is ministry, or parenting or any other thing of value in my life. You work at what you know God has called you to do. One of the sweet ladies there shared this little tidbit "We have so many voices in our head and they all need to AGREE!!!!"
So what does this all have to do with the title blenders can be good? OK, I'm glad you asked......
I love ice cream. And in my house we like to make milkshakes. We mix in milk, chocolate, vanilla, ice cream and other goodies to put together this wonderful treat. However, did you know that other people use their blenders to make like healthy things? I know, me either!!! My friend makes smoothies everyday. He mixes in blueberries, kale, spinach, bananas, juice, carrots. All assorted items. I do not like kale or spinach. I'm not real fond of blueberries either. However what comes out of that blender is delicious!!! Here's my point. Losing my job sucked, losing my friends... yeah another suck. But when all that is blended with an opportunity to be home with my kids, to help run our household, to find THE PATH that God has for me. It makes everything else go down better. Because all of it is healthy and good for you, even if it doesn't taste good when it is mixed the RIGHT way it is delicious! Every single day my son Zachary looks at me when I pick him up from school and says Mom I'm so glad you get to pick me up and be home with me. Do you know how priceless that is? How it makes my heart sing. It makes that little shoot in my heart grow a little more. It is Good. Change is hard but it is GOOD.
I want to encourage you. Maybe your going through a change in your life you just don't understand. Maybe your looking at circumstances and your thought process can't even fathom how this will work out. Find God. Seek Him, Search for Him, Talk to Him, Yell if you have to. but FIND GOD. Because He works out EVERYTHING for our good. Trust Him. Even the things the enemy means for evil He will turn them into good. No matter what you are given... job loss, grief, depression, illness, cancer, desperation, hopelessness?He will add to it just the right mix to make it exactly what you need... Just hang in there and don't quit. Don't quit don't quit don't quit. ARE YOU LISTENING???????? DON'T QUIT!!!! Your path could appear tomorrow. DON'T QUIT!!! You can do this! I promise.. He will not fail you or let you go!!!!!!!
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Redemption
I couldn't sleep tonight so I decided to clean out my desk and move some filing around that needed to be organized. As I was going through the files I found a sermon I preached several years ago at a friends church. I was blessed to be able to share part of my testimony with their church and as I read my notes I realized how appropriate they were in this season of my life, so I thought I would share them with you. I know that God redeems everything and that He is still working on me to make me who He has called me to be.
(There are some things in here that I have never shared with some people in my life. I ask that you please be sensitive to this)
REDEEMED STATE: The improved state of somebody or something saved from apparently irreversible decline. Buying back of something, ending of obligation.
I remember one night I went to ATL to take Jeremy something he needed at work. His boss had given me specific directions and so off I went. Now I am pretty good driving in ATL. It doesn't scare me or bother me. I found the building, made the delivery, kissed my husband and got in the car to head home. But suddenly the road I was on started getting smaller and smaller and found myself in the middle of nowwhere and not somewhere you wanted to get out and ask directions. I called his boss and got new directions and finally got on the right road... only to find out it was a one way street and I had six lanes of traffic headed straight toward me. It was quite terrifying for me. Well that is what this last year has been like for me. My life was a small road and suddenly I woke up and realized that there was a lot more going on than I realized.
For years I have spent my life feeling like I was defective. I had a great husband, a comfortable life, great friends and yet I felt like I was such a failure. I struggled with anger, pain, fear, feelings of rejection, and a whole slew of other emotions that I hated and couldn't seem to control. I felt like I was a hypocrite of everything that I believed. I needed help. But how do you ask for help? I mean we were on staff at a church, I am supposed to have my stuff together, but inside I felt like I was falling apart and couldn't ask for help. Because if people really knew how far in the pit I felt then I would no longer be "good enough" to minister. Boy, the lies we tell ourselves so often that we eventually believe them. I blamed all my sinful behavior on wrong behaviors and tried to control them. I hid them, I lied about them, I denied them. Then in September of 2008 I found myself taking a class called Elijah House. This inner healing class promised to be a root canal if I would just give everything and lay it out on the table. The first week I lied through every question I was asked. The second week I lied through every question I was asked. By the third week I was ready yto quit and felt like it was stupid and certainly not applicable to my life. Then I got some truth. "To the degree that we are willing to be open and honest is the degree to which God can heal us" BAM. that was it. The more open I was willing to be, the deeper God was willing to go.
Healing is not about making something broken good enough to work, but to free us from the power of what is broken so it doesn't rule us and so God's righteousness can shine through us in that very area we have been healed from. Only God can take our brokenness and make something new. Only God can take the ugly things in our life and turn it into something beautiful. But we have to allow Him to overtake everything. We have to be willing to give him everything. What was amazing to find out was that God pursued me. He chased me down. He came after me. My willingness and cry for help was enough to activate his heart to come after my heart. I realized that all the emotions, all the feelings, all the hurt, pain and thoughts I struggled with was a message of the condition of my heart.
Imagine you have a splinter in your finger. You have two choices. You can remover the splinter or you can leave in in your finger. The longer you leave it in there it begins to become part of you. Your skin will grow around it, it will begin to fester. Because your body knows it doesn't belong. Well that is what inner healing is. It refers to the sanctification and transformation process that God wants to do in our life. If you have a past, you have a need for inner healing. You can't change your history, but God can change what you think about your history. We forget that our spirit is a living thing that God created and very much a part of who we are. I was molested as a young child. Even though my flesh got past the incident, my spirit suffered great distress from what happened. It is like putting a band aid over the splinter. Eventually that band aid will fall off and there is a huge gaping hole that was never completely healed and is most likely full of disease from being unattended so long. Every time something touches it, it hurts so you eventually learn to live your life without using that part of your body. In this case, that part of your spirit. Unattended there is always a place that doesn't function correctly. With me it was in relationships. I desperately wanted to be loved and taken care of. I found myself in one unhealthy relationship after another. I went through heartbreak, abuse and even rape. But I have learned that God wants to heal everything. EVERYTHING that isn't right. We don't cut our finger off if we get a splinter. We pull it out. Even if it's painful. Because to leave it in there can make it dangerous. But we leave so much in our hearts, buried deep until it becomes dangerous for our spirits. God has started a great process in my life. Is it over? Not by a long shot. But it has changed my view. I now know when God is working in me. More importantly, I possess the tools to allow him to work in me. The beautiful part is that as God heals me, I walk in authority over the very thing that held me captive. That is redemption. That is God's plan for wholeness.
(There are some things in here that I have never shared with some people in my life. I ask that you please be sensitive to this)
REDEMPTION (2009)
REDEMPTION: Improving of something; the act of saving something or somebody from a declines, dilapidated or corrupted state and restoring it, him or her to a better condeition.REDEEMED STATE: The improved state of somebody or something saved from apparently irreversible decline. Buying back of something, ending of obligation.
I remember one night I went to ATL to take Jeremy something he needed at work. His boss had given me specific directions and so off I went. Now I am pretty good driving in ATL. It doesn't scare me or bother me. I found the building, made the delivery, kissed my husband and got in the car to head home. But suddenly the road I was on started getting smaller and smaller and found myself in the middle of nowwhere and not somewhere you wanted to get out and ask directions. I called his boss and got new directions and finally got on the right road... only to find out it was a one way street and I had six lanes of traffic headed straight toward me. It was quite terrifying for me. Well that is what this last year has been like for me. My life was a small road and suddenly I woke up and realized that there was a lot more going on than I realized.
For years I have spent my life feeling like I was defective. I had a great husband, a comfortable life, great friends and yet I felt like I was such a failure. I struggled with anger, pain, fear, feelings of rejection, and a whole slew of other emotions that I hated and couldn't seem to control. I felt like I was a hypocrite of everything that I believed. I needed help. But how do you ask for help? I mean we were on staff at a church, I am supposed to have my stuff together, but inside I felt like I was falling apart and couldn't ask for help. Because if people really knew how far in the pit I felt then I would no longer be "good enough" to minister. Boy, the lies we tell ourselves so often that we eventually believe them. I blamed all my sinful behavior on wrong behaviors and tried to control them. I hid them, I lied about them, I denied them. Then in September of 2008 I found myself taking a class called Elijah House. This inner healing class promised to be a root canal if I would just give everything and lay it out on the table. The first week I lied through every question I was asked. The second week I lied through every question I was asked. By the third week I was ready yto quit and felt like it was stupid and certainly not applicable to my life. Then I got some truth. "To the degree that we are willing to be open and honest is the degree to which God can heal us" BAM. that was it. The more open I was willing to be, the deeper God was willing to go.
Healing is not about making something broken good enough to work, but to free us from the power of what is broken so it doesn't rule us and so God's righteousness can shine through us in that very area we have been healed from. Only God can take our brokenness and make something new. Only God can take the ugly things in our life and turn it into something beautiful. But we have to allow Him to overtake everything. We have to be willing to give him everything. What was amazing to find out was that God pursued me. He chased me down. He came after me. My willingness and cry for help was enough to activate his heart to come after my heart. I realized that all the emotions, all the feelings, all the hurt, pain and thoughts I struggled with was a message of the condition of my heart.
Imagine you have a splinter in your finger. You have two choices. You can remover the splinter or you can leave in in your finger. The longer you leave it in there it begins to become part of you. Your skin will grow around it, it will begin to fester. Because your body knows it doesn't belong. Well that is what inner healing is. It refers to the sanctification and transformation process that God wants to do in our life. If you have a past, you have a need for inner healing. You can't change your history, but God can change what you think about your history. We forget that our spirit is a living thing that God created and very much a part of who we are. I was molested as a young child. Even though my flesh got past the incident, my spirit suffered great distress from what happened. It is like putting a band aid over the splinter. Eventually that band aid will fall off and there is a huge gaping hole that was never completely healed and is most likely full of disease from being unattended so long. Every time something touches it, it hurts so you eventually learn to live your life without using that part of your body. In this case, that part of your spirit. Unattended there is always a place that doesn't function correctly. With me it was in relationships. I desperately wanted to be loved and taken care of. I found myself in one unhealthy relationship after another. I went through heartbreak, abuse and even rape. But I have learned that God wants to heal everything. EVERYTHING that isn't right. We don't cut our finger off if we get a splinter. We pull it out. Even if it's painful. Because to leave it in there can make it dangerous. But we leave so much in our hearts, buried deep until it becomes dangerous for our spirits. God has started a great process in my life. Is it over? Not by a long shot. But it has changed my view. I now know when God is working in me. More importantly, I possess the tools to allow him to work in me. The beautiful part is that as God heals me, I walk in authority over the very thing that held me captive. That is redemption. That is God's plan for wholeness.
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