I laughed when I realized how many years it took to discover who I am.... by first zealously exploring who I am not

Monday, March 26, 2012

One Whisper from God

I've started writing 3 or 4 times the past few weeks and had to erase and start over. Maybe today I will get out what is so deeply in my heart.

As you know the past few weeks have been a huge struggle. I have felt so beaten up and abused emotionally that this weekend I actually thought to myself "God please take me now, because I can't do this anymore". I've been amazed at how connected my emotions are to my desire to eat and hugely blessed because even though I wanted to stop and get a dozen KK donuts, I didn't. I called Christine and poured my heart out, let her love me through it and the donuts weren't necessary. I've been having migraines on top of everything else which forced me Friday to go to my sweet Heather's house in the middle of the day and say if you can't make it go away I'm going to the ER. She massaged, rubbed, prayed, loved, talked and left me to lay in peace for about 30 min. It was exactly what I needed. I'm learning more and more through this process that I am different. That I am called to be different. And when I try to force myself to fit in the expectations and beliefs of others that it sets off alarms in my spirit and my body, and if I don't heed the warnings my body revolts.  A couple of weeks ago I went to my mom's with our box truck and some of my boys from work to pick up the furniture that was coming home with me. I got to the house before everyone else and it was the first time I've been there by myself since she passed away. (I hate typing that. I HATE it!). As I walked through the house, I felt at home, which I haven't felt since the funeral. There's something about your parents house. Even if you didn't grow up in it, when you visit, it's your parents home. You are comfortable, you are safe, it represents them in your life. I haven't had that feeling the last few months, but in those few precious moments as I walked around, touching everything, it felt like home and I started sobbing. I melted into the floor and for about an hour just sobbed and sobbed. For the brief time it was my mom's house again and I was welcome and I just cried out all the pain, hurt feelings, rejection and abondoment that I have been feeling since losing my parents and the months following. They were amazing tears that cleansed deep places in my heart. I needed that so badly. The truck arrived and as they loaded furniture we talked about her house, and her things. One guy picked up some old cologne bottles that were shaped like cars and said "Hey, my grandfather had one of these" and we talked about the large "collection" of everything that she had and we laughed at some of the really weird items. I got to share who my mom was and all the things she shared with me, the legacy that I have because of the doors she opened for me. I talked about how much my mom loved Waypoint and how she loved coming to our monthly lunch and how she would have made over them for getting their life on track. How she would have written their names down and prayed for them. She loved people. She didn't always know how to show it in socially acceptable ways, but she loved people. I get that from her. I value relationships more than any "thing". I see the value in people and I know that they can't be replaced. I would rather save a relationship and lose everything. I'm thankful for that in
my life.

This past Sunday as I sat in our monthly Tree of Life meeting (a ministry that I work with that does counseling and teaching) God began to trigger my heart and show me more of the root of all the rejection, abondonment, etc. (This will make sense to my EH peeps, others just ask and I will try to explain) I realized the hurt I carried from my childhood and the hurt I feel now were exactly the same. Because as I struggle with having healthy relationships in my family, I realized that I NEVER felt like I fit in my family. I always felt different. My memories as a child all revolve around people telling me I was in the way, I talked to much and I was obnoxious. I was always seen as irresponsible, the baby of the family and I felt like I had no value. I see that I have spent my whole life looking for people who would love me FOR me, not in SPITE of me. I wanted to show them that I am worth loving for me and I've finally realized that I can't convince them. Sunday, God just held me heart and assured me that He knows my pain, He understands and that is why He gave me the people in my life that have filled that void. Someone told me, I think it was my sweet Heather, "everyone you meet loves you. Stop trying to be something your not" . Well I hear you. After intense feelings of hopelessness, depression and feeling alone, of crying all the time and falling into bed exhausted, this morning something broke. One word, one whisper from God changes everything. I just needed to hear from Him.

Maybe you are struggling. Maybe you can't seem to find the answer you need. Ask God. I promise He knows what you need and when you need it.

Monday, March 12, 2012

The YES before Him

Had dinner last week with some great amazing people from Elijah House who were in to spend some time with our group. As they shared and prayed with me Sue told me to make sure that I put my YES before Him. I thought it sounded great but I really didn't get the full force and meaning of it until today. Normally I love weekends like this. Lots of togetherness with all the people that I love the most, lots of worship, lots of great words coming out, lots of just good ole sop it up with a biscuit presence of God. But all weekend I fought to engage and participate. I was so tired and felt so drained and so wiped out that I didn't even enjoy it. Which is really weird for me. I'm usually up for anything. Saturday night we had service and it was wonderful, left the church about 9 and I could barely keep my eyes open to drive. Sunday night we had another service and on the way there both my kids had major meltdown (in their defense I was gone every night last week and then all weekend) and so I decided to bow out of the service and stay home with them. As I sat at home with my kids, just spending time with them and investing in them, and still feeling exhausted I was overcome with guilt for not being there to play, and for letting down Jeremy, for letting down Kerri, for letting down Bill and Sue and even for letting my kids down and pushing them to their point of breakdown. But today I realized. I finally realized what Sue was sharing with me and what God was trying to effect in my life. God has called me to a path. He has put a destiny, and a purpose that is for me. My answer is YES with no backing out, no letting go. I have never been as exhausted as I was this weekend. When I tell you it was weird, it was weird. I couldn't even engage in what was happening. It was like a slumber had just come on me. Which I know some of you may not understand but just trust me it was weird. I don't know why that happened. I don't know if God let me feel that way to show me that I have to push through it or if I felt that way so He could teach me boundaries of what my kids can handle, but as I sit here tonight I know that regardless of the reason, it pushed me today to seek Him and to try and find out what was happening. The result is that I know that I can't stop the race just because I'm tired, or overwhelmed or frustrated or..., or...., or...... Get the point? I have lots of excuses that I can use. Lot's of outs that I can take but if I do that I miss out. This translates to my spiritual walk and my physical walk. I'm working to be healthy. I've made a decision to eat differently and make better food choices. Regardless of my mood and even my convenience (cause believe me, with all the sports, theater and practices, it's a whole lot easier to swing through a drive-thru) I have to make up my mind before the decision is there or I sabotage everything I have worked for. So my answer is YES. No backing down. No leaving the path. No matter what falls in the road. No matter what I move forward. I don't stop. I don't quit. I have given my YES and that cancels out every No that comes after it. The beautiful part is that when the big dead tree falls in the road, I am surrounded by people that will help me cut it out of the way. People that will help drag the dead limbs so that I can keep going. People that see the vines growing in my heart and around my life that will say "hey... if you don't get rid of that it's going to stop you so let me help you trim that." What an amazing analogy of my journey. What an amazing picture. It makes me wish I could paint it just so I could see it on paper the way I see it so vividly in my mind. So my answer is YES and I want to challenge you. What is God calling you to do or to be? What goals do you have for yourself? Put your YES out there. Put the YES before everything else so that it is ingrained and there is no other option. Because really what option do you have that is better than what He has for you?