I laughed when I realized how many years it took to discover who I am.... by first zealously exploring who I am not

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Surrender and Trust

I've been walking around for about a month now with a huge knotted ball of yarn in my head. It's very annoying. I find myself looking at the end result of circumstances and I pick up the end to follow the yarn back to find the truth and I end up in a knot, in the middle of the mess. Did I tell you it was annoying? Very. annoying. I've been on the journey the past few years and through out the journey I have been very much seeking truth. I have realized that so much of my life, my past, my family, relationships were all built on lies. I have been told so many stories by different family members, I don't even know if they know the truth anymore. So when God began putting things in my life in order, truth was at the top of my list. To find it, to live it. So now, as I struggle to find truth, I find myself very much undone and unable to cope. I find myself questioning relationships, questioning people that I love and respect. Trying to make what I am seeing line up with the truth that I have been told, or has been shown in their actions (and let's all admit, the truth that is shown is sometimes way more powerful than the truth that is told). Needless to say it's been a very hard few weeks. I've cried, been angry, frustrated, wanted to run away, wanted to NEVER leave my house again, had anxiety attacks, and felt on the very edge of a complete breakdown. Every person I see has come up and asked me why I look so distressed. (The fact I can't hide my feelings, also very annoying). I've spent more time in the bathroom than anyone ever should (I'm a stress pooper) which I know may be TMI but my blog, my TMI.  I even went to the grocery store and decided I would eat a whole box of cookies, cause, you know, it would make me feel better.  I couldn't do it, it made me sick. then I sat in condemnation for once again seeking solace in something that is so detrimental to my health. So at the end of myself, one of my spiritual mamma's invited me to a women's retreat at her church, her husband (who is also a pastor) even volunteered to watch my boys. Of course I told her no, and that I knew her husband had better things to do and politely declined because I felt so guilty. So Sat morning I dropped my kids off with her husband (she convinced me) and off I went.  It was a bootcamp style retreat with lessons on several different things. I don't think I could tell you what all was taught about because all I heard in every lesson was SURRENDER & TRUST. As I sat in the last small group of the day and listened to a sweet young lady talk about something I don't remember, God very clearly spoke to me. He said "You are so busy trying to find the truth, that you have missed knowing the truth that I will always take care of you, in every circumstance". Ok. then I began my arguing of but God you told me to seek truth... I TOLD YOU TO SEEK ME. But I don't know who to trust... YOU CAN ALWAYS TRUST ME...But God, my job my family... YOUR MINE AND I HAVE YOU.... ok. I surrender. THAT'S ALL I NEEDED. During the closing session of worship, I stood in the back of the sanctuary alone, turned to the wall and repented. I repented for not trusting that God would take care of me. I repented to for reaching the point of desperation that I had reached. Today, I see God. I know he has a plan. I know he will take care of me. Whatever that looks like. I have to know and trust that He will take care of everything that concerns my life.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6: 25-34

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Amazing people do not just happen

I flew to Dallas this past weekend to go to the wedding of my cousin. Now this particular group of family are some of my favorite people. Suzanne, my cousin, is the daughter of my mom's brother, Duane, also known as the silver fox among my girlfriends. Suzanne is one of those people who I've had an instant love affair with. We have so much in common and I'm able to share such a deep part of my heart with her. Her children have grown into interesting, fun, amazing people. At her son's reception he stood up and thanked his new inlaws, the friends and family that helped make the day possible and everyone who came to watch them start their new lives. Then with much emotion he thanked his parents for teaching him how to be a man of God. How to love and serve God and others. How to speak truth. How to live a life pleasing to God. As I listened to such sincere, heartfelt gratitude I knew amazing people like this just don't happen. They are borne from the fire. They are created from years on the potters wheel. And I prayed... God the wisdom to do that only comes from you and may one day may children be able to thank me and Jeremy for teaching them how to be amazing.