I laughed when I realized how many years it took to discover who I am.... by first zealously exploring who I am not

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

My Shifting Path

You know I have all these new thoughts rolling around my head that I'm still trying to make sense of. Yesterday I was talking to one of my Deans at school and had quite the revelation of the shifting of the path that I'm on.

Three years ago I was very submersed in teaching inner healing, doing women's retreats and leading worship. I love teaching. I love studying something and seeing it all just lay out in such a clear way. I love seeing people realize who they are and walk in healing from their past and all that binds them. However, the more my personal life shifted away from groups of people, the less I had to opportunity to do those things. I've been getting phone calls to teach, or do a weekend here and there and I haven't had the heart. I did one training class and it was so hard to go back and do it again. Why? I kept asking the Lord to show me why something I loved so much was no longer joyful for me.  All I would get was the scripture about pouring new wine into old wine skins. I get the reference but I don't have anything new, and plus this is good stuff. What's wrong with it. I just have walked around really feeling without a purpose, for a long time. Several weeks ago my sweet Pastors sang this song called "When I Lay my Isaac Down". I loved the words and even enjoyed it, despite it's old time roots. I wasn't particularly moved by it, and really haven't thought much about it since. Enter my conversation yesterday. As we talked I shared with him about the things I've been reading about serving others. About God's call (mandate) to serve others, to meet their needs, to reach out to those around us. It suddenly, like a lightening bolt hit me. I had to let go of what I thought my purpose was, what I thought I was "good" at. I had to be willing to let it all go.  Somewhere in the midst of being lonely, sad and searching I became desperate and hungry and willing to do whatever God called me to do. Whatever it looked like. Can I be very very real with you? That whole dark night of the soul is real people. Being so far down that you just want to stay home and not talk or be with anyone. I've lived it for almost 2 years. The last 2 months has been by far the worst, darkest place. But in that place- inside the cave that I've been in God has been doing something in my heart. He has changed something in me and I know that I will never be the same. There has been a shifting- like a bone being set. Like a wandering pilgrim, finding the path. Like a broken heart being snapped together.

I still don't know what this will look like. I know that Matthew 25 and Isaiah 58 are going to be burned on my heart in a new way forever. I know the world looks different, the people in it different. I know that God will show me what that is going to look like, eventually. And I'm ok with that. I'm ok with simply knowing that He has the plan. (When I get antsy will someone remind me I said this) I'm even ok with my heart being broken, because I know He can put it back together. And that in the brokenness is where I find Him the most. I know that brokenness doesn't mean that I'm broken. My flesh breaks. My spirit thrives. The more broken I feel, the more desperate I am- the more I listen for that still small voice to speak to me. The more broken I am the more I seek Him.

I want to share this song with you today and just pray that God uses it in whatever way you need it in your life during this season.