I laughed when I realized how many years it took to discover who I am.... by first zealously exploring who I am not

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Brokenness is for the birds

Make me broken.... God use me I want to be broken.... Break my heart for what breaks your heart.... I need you more Lord.... give me more of you......

How many of us have cried this in our hearts? How many of us have sat in a service and said these very words? I have, many times. Over and over and over again. Then today I wrote this in my journal....

God I asked to be broken- I just had no idea what it would look like
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Brokenness has become a buzz word in church. In fact, I am sitting at my laptop with headphones on listening to "I need you more" by Klaus. Seriously, it's everywhere. And I agree, we need more, we need brokenness. I just wonder how much of us are really ready for what that brokenness looks like. I have discovered that I'm not. I will admit that as much as I want God, I know that I'm not ready for what that is going to require of me. Just in a few short months, the brokenness He has brought me too is almost more than I can handle. What more is going to be required? and I know the answer... everything. Everything that means anything to me is going to be required. My very life. My comforts, my heart. Everything that I place any value on is going to be required. I just don't know if I can do it. I want it. I feel like I have spent my whole life for this season, but now that I find myself on the edge, on the very precipice of taking a leap into the great plan, I am looking for a rope to wrap around my waist and a backpack to take just one more thing before I go. I find myself dealing with resentment and bitterness for the path my life is on at this moment. I am resentful of my husbands schedule because it is destroying my marriage. I'm resentful because I miss my life in Dahlonega. I miss the security we had in our finances and in our jobs.  I sit at football games and want to cry for my friends that used to be with me.  I miss relationships that were once priceless and dear. I see what people are doing and how they are connected and I'm not anymore. I miss MY LIFE.  For all the good I see, and despite knowing that God is in all of this change, I'm not happy about it. I told someone today that as Christians we know the "right" response. We know what we are supposed to say, and feel, and pray and how we are supposed to act. We do that as an act of faith, even when we don't feel like it, believing that our heart will line up. However, sometimes, like I did today, we have to stop and be willing to say, God I had no idea it would be like this and I hate it. I asked him for a do over today. Can I have a different plan. Please. This is to hard. I sit here in the quiet of my house, and see myself at the foot of the cross crying God help me walk this out, I just don't think I can do it. and I know He hasn't called me to be anything but obedient. Have you tried being obedient lately? It's not all it's cracked up to be either. I know that God is emptying me of all of me and that this is just the process. I knew it would be painful and hard. I'm not sure why I felt such a strong urge to share this. This is very personal and something that I have to work out with God. But maybe someone needs to know that it's ok to not love the process. It's ok to not always be happy with the plan. It's ok to say that it sucks and this is hard. If I have learned anything through the pain, grief and everything else I have been through the last few years, it's that God understand anger, frustration and wanting to quit. He gets it. He knows that when you reach that place you discover the only answer to all of those feelings is to look to Him and trust Him.

So that is where I am tonight. No words of wisdom. Just a few paragraphs of my heart, and my own path of brokenness. My own breaking of myself. My vulnerability and transparency to say, today I'm not ok, and that is ok. Tomorrow I will feel differently. Tomorrow I will walk in a new place in my heart with God and He will touch one more part of me to bring into the person He is growing me into. But tonight I will cry and journal and share my heart with the daddy that loves me more than anyone else could possibly love me.