I would tell you that I like change. I'm the type of person that loves to walk into anything and go how can I make this better? What can we do different? I go to stores or restaurants and immediately think of ways to make service more efficient. (Let's be honest that I also have had to learn that not everyone wants to hear said opinion- no one likes a know it all) I love to think through things and really bring about change that makes a difference, or so I thought. I've entered into a season that is making me rethink everything I ever thought about change, some changes that are happening in our family and where I've landed on what all this looks like for me.
If you don't know, my husband lost his job this past summer because the missions organization we worked for had been greatly impacted by Covid. He has transitioned into being a house mentor for young adult with autism while he finishes his masters program in social work. He is built for this type of work and I know that God has called him to this. However, job changes, starting a new career at 40 has impacted us in many ways. It has provided financial challenges with a significant pay decrease. It has also brought time challenges- as he is gone 3-4 days a week overnight. He doesn't get to come to church with me so even things like ministry that are as normal to us as breathing look and feel differently in this season. I find myself often asking (begging) for God to give me my life back as it looked pre-Covid.
And then God took me here...............
If you don't know, Egypt had held the Israelite's captive as slaves for over 400 years. Working to build the kingdom of Egypt. Back breaking work from sun up to sun down. Beaten, mistreated. Definitely not a good situation. So He sent Moses to help the Israelites go free. It took a lot- conversations, plagues- including a lot of frogs- but eventually Pharaoh had enough and told them to leave Egypt. Thus began a journey to the promise land that included crossing a sea while God protected them and their food literally falling from the sky. As they story goes on though we find them complaining that they were better off in Egypt than they were on this journey to all God has promised them. When things got hard- the sun hot, the journey arduous- they became weary. In Exodus 16 they cried out and said, "Why didn't God let us die in comfort in Egypt where we had lamb stew and all the the bread we could eat?" (Message Translation)
Um, excuse me? Comfort? COMFORT? Oh how quickly we forget.
God had a plan for His people that required them to walk through a season of hardship to get to His promises. He performed great miracles to get them free, to take care of them and get them to the place He had set aside for them yet they fought him every step of the way. I identify greatly with this. My mom always told me that I had to learn everything the hard way. I had to try it and fail. I had to touch it and get burned. I never listened- I was intent on struggling my way through. Even on this side of my life where I like to think I have little bit of wisdom, I find myself much more comfortable in the struggle than I am in seasons of rest. The rest makes me weary- it makes me wonder when the struggle is going to begin again. I just don't know how to live in that place.
I know that even though this season is hard, that God is walking through and providing for us. I still have a job at Adventures that I love. We have our church family who have really loved and supported me as I come to church and serve alone. So even though I want to go back- I know this is for a reason to bring us to dreams and promises He has for us. Amen. Right, Lord? Amen?
<insert curve ball>
What do you do when you have learned to be content and then God says ok I want to give you something else? What if he asks to not to leave slavery but to leave contentment behind for the unknown? To leave where you have peace and joy to head into a place where you don't really know what it will hold? To leave ministry and all that brings you joy for a world you have never existed in? That is where I find myself fleshing out my thoughts right now. You see it's much easier for me leave slavery and head into the wilderness. I'm like give me some camo, strap on a machete and let me roar. I will totally put black war paint under my eyes cause I'm gonna dig in and we are gonna go!!! But please don't ask me to give up my life that you so clearly ordained and put me in- a job I love, people who push me and love me and challenge me in all the right ways, leaders who love God and have a passion for the Kingdom- please don't ask me to give that up- even for something that might be better- but it might not cause you never know.
But that is exactly what He is asking me to do. And shocking of all shocks, I actually said yes and am doing it.
Tomorrow is my last day at Adventures in Missions. My last day at a job that God used to heal my heart in so many ways after leaving Waypoint. A job that taught me so much about myself, grew me in many ways, and now I have to say goodbye too because God is asking me if I am willing to leave comfort for something I may not know. My friend Rachel says all the time, "Good is the enemy of best. We don't want to sacrifice good for the best God has for us". He has opened a job for me that isn't ministry oriented. It is a corporate job and I can't wear jeans and hoodies every day (this may be the greatest travesty). I won't have someone come to my office and ask me to pray for them. I won't start my week with corporate worship and prayer. It will be a completely different type of work than anything I've ever done. But I know that I know that I know that God has opened this door and called me to do this. He has provided financial provision with it that will allow Jeremy to get through school and move forward with less stress. In many ways it is the job I never knew I wanted much less would have ever asked for. I didn't call them- they literally called me and asked me to apply and now here we are.
As I sat at my desk today and read notes from people who have been part of my life the last 5 years I cried for what I know I am losing. It is very hard to describe to someone the gift that working at Adventures is. These are people that do life together. We eat lunch together, we celebrate weddings, births, adoptions, joys and heartaches. We pray together, we work together, we serve together. They are living Kingdom life all over the world. They have changed so much how I see the world and show me the hope that this generation brings to the table. I will miss them terribly. I will cry for the easiness that is work when you love the people you work with they way we all love each other. I have hugged everybody at work every day this week because I know I will miss them so very much.
But here we go to the next season. Where I get to take the kingdom that I know lives inside of me to a new location. Where we may not talk about Jesus every day but I can still be a light and witness of what I know and believe to everyone I meet. Where just simply being kind can make a difference in someone's day. Where I know God is pulling me out of my comfort zone to grow me and challenge me and teach in areas that I may have never gone if He didn't move me. I am leaving what I love and holding on to the promise that God orders my steps and has a plan even when I don't understand the full breadth of it.
So maybe I'm not as good at change as I like to think I am. Maybe I still have some areas to grow in when it comes to moving and going. Maybe I am going with just a little bit of kicking and screaming because I know what I am losing- but also with hope for what God is doing in our family.
I will end with this- Jeremy is going to read this and immediately text me and say "I've told you for 25 years that you don't like change, I don't know why you act surprised when you finally realized I was right." But this blog is not about denial so we will address that later.
