I laughed when I realized how many years it took to discover who I am.... by first zealously exploring who I am not

Friday, February 8, 2013

Conversations with God (i.e. God laughs at me)

I've been having lots of conversations lately about trusting God. I've been having these conversations with God as I drive to work and drive home each day. The conversations usually goes like this.
ME: God I trust you and know that you have a great plan.
GOD: (snort) No you don't
ME: God, I'm learning how to trust you and I want to know that you have a great plan
GOD: lol... it sounds good in your head but no you don't
ME: Ok, fine I don't trust, I have a hard time believing but I really want to.
GOD: your almost to the truth
ME: Fine, I don't trust, I don't see a plan and sometimes I really wonder just what the hell you are doing up there.
GOD: That I can work with
(Maybe you don't talk to God like that, but me, I've learned he knows I'm thinking it anyway so I might as well be honest so he can help the whole way, not just a little bit)

In the midst of this conversation process I've been listening to a song called Hero by Catherine Mullins. The lyrics talk about laying it down and giving it and knowing that Jesus is our hero and He will always come to our circumstances. As I was driving to work with this conversation in my mind, God asked me "What do you think a hero looks like". And because I am a complete princess in my heart I said it would a knight on a white horse coming in to slay the dragon. God shook his head and said that's your problem. Your are looking for the hero to come in and rescue when He's really never left and he's always been there. He showed me a picture of an earthquake and the ground was shaking and moving and breaking apart. When you backed up away from the picture you see that the ground was sitting in his hands. He said when the bottom falls out, when you are shaken, scared, worried and wondering when I will rescue all you have to know is that I am always holding you and will never let you go. I've never let you go. Not once have I ever been one step away from you. It was one of those moments where I just had to sit back and go "whoa...."
What an amazing revelation. What an amazing picture of who God is and His presence in our life. What an amazing testament to His promise that He will never leave or forsake us. What I've learned is that His rescuing rarely ever looks like what I think it is supposed to look like. Sometimes I wonder if the things that happen are His plan or His redemption. Does it matter? Am I really so controlling that I can't even let God rescue and move in the way that He sees? Yes I am. and Yes I have been. But I'm know that He has a plan. My job is to simply shut up and get out of the way so that He work His plan. I realized that in the last month I've gotten a new house, a new job, and a new car- that just happens to be blue. Do you think God might be doing a new work in my life? In the last week, as I've been really intentionally praying to surrender and trust God, I've found a joy that I've been missing. I feel more... peaceful and less harried. I'm able to handle the circumstances that come my way. I'm able to deflect the attacks of the enemy in a positive way. Because I know that I don't have to defend. God is my hero and He is coming to my rescue. He's catching me so I don't have to hold on the anything. I can let it all go.

Here is the link to listen to the song I referred to....

My Hero by Catherine Mullins