I laughed when I realized how many years it took to discover who I am.... by first zealously exploring who I am not

Monday, January 30, 2012

my fitness pal app is amazing!!!

MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

Talking helps the walking

You know what I did last week for the first time ever? I told someone how much I weighed. Not the weight that I round down (or lie) to match what is on my drivers license. Or that I think I can get away with. But my real honest to goodness weight. The weight that 2 weeks ago in the doctors office almost caused me to lay in the floor and cry in front of everyone. The weight that the doctor used every word but "fat" to describe. The weight that has reached the point that I lay in bed at night and cry because none of my friends look like me and how could they possibly want to be with me and not be embaressed because everything is harder for me. Because I can't just squeeze in the backseat of the car or sit in the little chair b/c my ass is to big to fit inbetween the sides. I reached a new point. Maybe it has happened because I lost both my parents this year. Maybe it happened b/c my mom's heart fell apart on the operating table and she bled to death. Maybe it's because I don't want my kids to lose me and cry everyday and question whether God has their best interests at heart. I just know that I am miserable. I am tired of looking the way that I look and feel. But this time feels different. Whenever I've tried to "diet" and I hate that word, I didn't tell people b/c I always felt like everytime I did anything people would be like "You can't do that", "that's bad for you". But this time is different. I've told 2 people what I weigh and I'm telling everone in my life "HEY I'M TRYING TO BE HEALTHY". There is a huge relief that comes when you don't carry that secret anymore. It holds you accountable, it makes it real but it brought something else that I didn't know it would bring. It brought out people that love me in a way that I could have never imagined. When I told my friend how much I weighed she gave me the most amazing smile and said Me and my husband have been praying for you every week. I was totally blown away. Then at coffee I brought it up to someone else and they were so excited I thought they were going to pop their baby out. The talking about it has brought out and surrounded me with people that I can call and ask "why wheat and not white", they are going to the grocery store with me, offering me massages b/c it will help cleanse my body, more nutrition information than I will ever understand. and not one single word of condemnation, or it's about time or finally. Just you can do it, I will help you and you are not alone. Just sitting here typing this, I have tears streaming down my face because I am so overwhelmed. I know that there is a long road ahead of me. But I have no doubt that God has surrounded me with people that will help me along the way.