I laughed when I realized how many years it took to discover who I am.... by first zealously exploring who I am not

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Mind. Body. Spirit.

It's been a hard couple of weeks for me. One week I didn't lose any weight and was so stressed because of the emotional stuff I talked about in my last blog which reached it's peak of suckiness after a phone call on Sunday night. This week I tweaked my eating some more and I've lost like 3 lbs. I also talked to my cousin, Suzanne. You know there's a saying that goes "To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world". That was Suzanne for me this week. I called her to just share where I was, and God must of known that was who I needed to talk to. She just encouraged me and loved on me and helped me find truth in the midst of opinions and accusations and just emotional mud. I am constantly amazed and humbled at how God is going before me and helping me. I am also learning that some people just won't get it and that is ok. It's not the end of my world if people don't know my heart. I just have to follow the heart of God, listen, obey, repent if needed and move on. I'm also learning so much about myself and where I struggle to forgive people who hurt me and don't understand me. I'm trying to find the root of why that bothers me so much. So I'm sure there is a prayer ministry session in my future. (actually calling Janet right now as I type to see if she can meet with me this week) I'm also in finding out that seeking why my answer when I'm upset is the whole comfort food thing. So lots to work on in myself right now. It's overwhelming, but I'm handling it one bite at a time. (No pun intended). I'm learning to lean on those who love me, set boundaries where needed and seek God always in every circumstance. It's still a long process, but I see myself changing, growing and moving in the right direction. I know that only in dealing with my issues will I be completely whole and healthy. Mind, Body, Spirit. It's all connected. I line up my eating habits, my thought processes, my relationship with God. He created a beautiful machine in our bodies that when all 3 are working properly, it allows us to flow and exist in His plan for our lives. It is such an amazing thing and something I never fully grasped until I started this process. So amazing, so life changing, so life affirming. So part of my journey that I am on right now.

Thursday, February 23, 2012


Can I just tell you that I'm struggling today? Last night was the Ash Wednesday service at my church and while I really abhor anything about traditional worship, it is my favorite service of the year. (I'm not knocking traditional worship, it's just not for me. I'm more of a free bird) Last year my mom came with me to the service and it was wonderful. I just cried the whole night. I'm so thankful for the people in my church who just came and sat by me and let me cry. You know in losing people, and I've lost many the last 3 years, I've learned something. From my parents, to a guy that was like my brother, and friends it's been interesting to see that when people die we remember the good and we tend to forget the bad. My brother was an amazing person. He was funny, smart, and so unique, but he was also a pain in the ass (which I say with a smile on my face, b/c it was live entertainment to watch it, unless you were the target). I've been pushing down some of the issues with my mom b/c I miss her so much and that outweighs everything. This weekend though, I came face to face with it.

As you know I went to my mom's last weekend and it was so hard.  I found a letter that my mom wrote 13 years ago and emailed to my in-laws. It was 4 pages long in an 8pt font. The letter basically shared every frustration she had with me. My mom and I had reached a good place in prob the last 4 years. Through Elijah House and lots of counseling I had learned to just love her for who she was and put really good boundaries. We had our typically issues but my mom had lived a very hard life and had lots of struggles. She was very wounded and wounded people hurt others. She shared every detail of my house not being clean enough for her, financial problems, her opinion that I was a bad mother and didn't know how to take care of my baby (who was 7 mnths old and cried all the time from colic) and a whole other slew of slanderous things. She talked about the family that I moved in with when I was 15-( I moved in because she kicked me out). They took me in and raised me and there always animosity between them and her. From her because she was jealous of my relationship with them and from them because they were appalled at the things she said and did. I was simply thankful to see how a normal family operated. It was a place where I felt safe and taken care of. But reading her opinions and comment, I am devastated. I feel like I have been shot in the gut and there is nothing to heal it. I have found myself wanting to eat more since this weekend. I'm hurting so bad because there is no resolution to it, and apparantly my solution to the pain is food. While I know that many of her opinions expressed were based on her viewpoint and not truth, it still hurts to know that she thought that in the first place. It hurt that she would share that with people that I love, peope that are my family, behind my back. Woven in the letter were small grains of truth that I know I've grown past, and I know that that's not who I am anymore, but it still hurt to see it, in writing and that my mom would do that.

So I'm processing alot this week and looking for the root and origin of the pain and why I want to eat when I'm hurting. It's an onion peel and I'm peeling back all of it so that I can be who I'm supposed to be. I don't know how to deal with it. Everytime I think about it again I cry and wonder why she would do that. As I pulled into Dahlonega Sunday afternoon I felt my whole body unclench and relax. As I went to dinner on Sunday night with a slew of my friends, some new, some I've had for a while, I had a massive meltdown. Because God has surrounded me with people who love me for me. People who don't care if my house is clean, or my beds made or if my kids say yes maam or yes sir. People who don't care if I'm appropriate or proper or any other expectations. People who are always on my side and have my back. They are amazing, loving, giving people who see the best in me, even when it's not, they choose the best. People who are just exactly what I need because God knows what I've been through. So please pray for me. I'm really struggling this week as I process what I read. And through it all I know that I have friends, who are really family, to help me through.

Monday, February 20, 2012

You Are For Me - Kari Jobe (LYRICS)

The Hidden God

So my journey has had some amazing roadmarks this past week. Last week I had an impromptu dinner with some friends and he had read my blog. He then told me that he had talked to the husband of my friend (the one that had been praying for me) some months ago and that they had decided to pray for me as well. I've have been amazed during this process the people who God ordained, arranged, picked, put together to pray me into the journey that I am on. As I left dinner (which was wonderful and under my calorie intake for the day) I became so overwhelmed as I thought about it. It was like God just put everything in place waiting on me to get to the point I needed to be at. It was unbelievable to me. One of my favorite songs is by Kari Jobe entitled "You are for me" I will put the lyrics at the bottom of this blog and if you don't know the song go to youtube and listen to it. See I have been hearing and singing this song for years but yet I don't think I realized what God being for you meant. He has been working and laying the groundwork for me. He has put people in place to pray for me, uplift me, encourage me, and be there for me for such a time as this. His plan for my life, this season of my life wouldn't have happened without the hidden things that He was doing to help me. It has opened up a whole new side of God that I didn't even realize existed. It makes me wonder what all happens with this Hidden side of God that I don't know about. Maybe you are on your own journey. Maybe you are pushing a rock up a mountain and it seems stuck. Hold on, don't let go and for goodness sake DON'T QUIT! God is on your side. He is for you and He will lay out everything you need to accomplish what He's called you to do. Are you called to adopt? Then have no doubt that God has baby that needs you. Are you called to write? Then God will give you thoughts and dreams and ideas to accomplish that. God is so complete and so thorough that He will have details to work on your behalf that you couldn't imagine. So just hang in there because I'm learning the hidden God always shows himself mighty and true.

So faithful, so constant
So loving and so true, so powerful in all you do
You fill me, You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to you

I know that you are for me I know that you are for me
I know that you will never, forsake me in my weakness
I know that you have come now
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who you are

So patient, so gracious
So merciful and true, so wonderul in all you do
You fill me, You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to you

Friday, February 10, 2012

The plan and the season

So I feel like I have come off the high of beginning this process and have now hit the pavement for the long stretch into this process. I'm doing good with my food. Still a little apprehensive about the grocery store, but working on that this weekend. Going to start adding in some walking and stuff this week so excited about that. You know there is something that happens when you know it's time. You can't fake it, you can't force it. To everything there is a season, and this is working because it's my season. For whatever reason, right now in February of 2012 it became my season. Everything in my life lined up exactly with the plans that Father had for me to do this. I know that missing even one ingredient would have changed the timing of this. It would have begun and ended just like every other time I thought about getting healthy but didn't really do anything about it. So let me answer the question that maybe your thinking, or maybe I'm the only one thinking "How do I know this is it and it's not just another failure?" Well. I don't know. Except I know that there is deep inside me a feeling, an impression let's say and I see myself with my feet burrowed deep in the sand and my body hunching down, digging in and saying I am doing this. No matter what, no matter if I fail one day, it's one day, not the rest of my life. I am called to do more and be more than how my life has been. So one day at a time I'm taking a step toward walking that out. It's my season. I know it's my season because something in me has changed and is looking a new direction. Only God can do that. Only His perfect plan can do that. But I'm realizing, that for all the plans and directions and seasons that God has for me, only when I'm obedient to walk them out do they happen. I could have never shared with Christine how much I weighed. But because I was obedient to be open and transparent she was able to share with me that her and Alex had been praying for me and Boom. that was it. The switch flipped. The journey began. One act of obedience. One moment in time. One second to make a decision to be honest and share my pain, my struggle. One moment in time for God to whisper deep in my heart "this is it, this is your moment and I'm here, and I'm gonna help you". He has continued to whisper and tell me that I can do it. So has all the people who have emailed, texted, hugged, called and encouraged me. Because to me this isn't about losing weight. It's about being who God called me to be and walking out His plan in my life. I've just happened to reach the part where he is purging me from the "weight" that has held me in one place for so long. So my part is obedience to do whatever he tells me. His part: well He holds the plan and I get to enjoy the ride.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Comfort Food

Yesterday was wonderful as I realized that I had lost 8 pounds... (yay me) Today has been really hard. Hard circumstances at work (for those that don't know I work at an addiction recovery center for men) have made me weepy, jumpy and stressed. I've learned that when I'm stuggling, I want to eat. Which was very disconcerting for me, because I never realized that I did that. I knew I would snack when I was bored but this has opened my eyes to a whole new realization. I do comfort food. I had no idea. So because I'm a freak and can never be happy with just one new revelation, the process begins of WHY? Why do I do this? And very quickly, (actually very quickly twice because the first time I remembered I ignored it and asked for a different answer) God brought to mind a lesson I took in Elijah House 2 on False Refuge. A refuge is defined as shelter or protection, or a sheltering place; a place or person offering protection or safe shelter from something. (On a side note, I firmly believe that is is possible to preach from the dictionary) SO.... a false refuge is basically something that I go to that is really not supposed to do that job for me. In this case, God is my refuge, not food. Need something to back that up? ok you asked for it.....

Psalm 18:2
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
Psalm 18:30
As for God, his way is perfect: The LORD’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him.

Psalm 25:20
Guard my life and rescue me; do not let me be put to shame, for I take refuge in you.

Psalm 31:1
[ Psalm 31 ] For the director of music. A psalm of David. In you, LORD, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness.

Psalm 31:2
Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me.

Psalm 31:4
Keep me free from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge.

Psalm 31:19
How abundant are the good things that you have stored up for those who fear you, that you bestow in the sight of all, on those who take refuge in you.

Psalm 34:8
Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.

Psalm 34:22
The LORD will rescue his servants; no one who takes refuge in him will be condemned.

Psalm 36:7
How priceless is your unfailing love, O God! People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.

These are just a few of the scriptures that refer to God as a refuge. So my focus and thoughts have to be that when I'm worried, stressed, sad, happy- no matter the emotion, I have to trust that God has got it and He's going to take care of it. It's so much easier said then done. Remember the crushing process I talked about a couple of weeks ago... this is part of it. For me it's letting go of all the false places that I go to seeking comfort, help, peace and going to the Creator of these things. It's knowing the God's plan is to do good for me and to give me hope and a future. These other things, these false refuges are fleeting, and blown away with the first wind that comes through. God is eternal and never ending.

Lord, help me trust You. Help me to seek You first, before anything else. To know that You are my peace, my comfort, my REFUGE. You never leave anything undone, lacking, empty. But You are finisher of everything in my life.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Presence and Investments

What a wild and crazy weekend I've had. Left on Thursday night to go to my sisters and then head to my mom's for the first estate sale at her house. I'm learning to be very diligent in logging what I am eating, which is harder when your not at home and around what you've put in place to help you eat healthy. It's also harder eating at restaurants that you don't normally eat at and figure out portion sizes, calories etc. I've become that person in the restaurant no one wants to eat with because I'm changing sizes, how they cook it, what they bring it in and honestly I think some green foods would be much more cuter if they were pink. But I also know that this is the price and cost of being healthy so if people don't like they can play words with friends or angry birds on their phone while I order. Fortunately, the people around me are so supportive that it hasn't mattered. My aunt and uncle have been helping us at my mom's and we would go eat and I would apologize for taking so long and they are so happy I'm doing it they didn't even care. I guess I'm the person that gets annoyed at people who do that not everyone else. :)

In other news the estate sale went really well. It was hard in so many ways. Watching my mom's life reduced to stuff on tables for sale, people looking through it, bargaining down the price is just so heartbreaking. But I look at all those items, her house, her things, and I know that she lived. She lived her life and enjoyed it and used all those things to help her do that. She used them to help others, to teach children, to share Christ with those who didn't know Him. In the end, now that her life is over those things will go on and be used by someone else to bring them joy and hopefully they will remember the person that owned it, maybe painted it or changed the color, or put flowers in it. Everything we touch, every person we share our lives with is changed by our presence there. My mom would purchase old, beat up things at yard sales and turn them into vintage pieces envied by all her friends. She would also see the person that no one would talk to to and hug them and invite them to share a meal, or go to church. I hope that my life has the same impact. I want to touch people in such a way that when I am gone they feel the difference of me being there. I want to know that I'm affecting people for the good. That they feel loved, cherished and treasured by me. I want to know that my kindness can turn a blue day into a pink with green polka dot kind of day. So that one day, when my kids are looking at my life sitting on tables for people to go through they can say Mom would want you to have that, to let it bring you joy. You know our things are simply representative of our presence on the earth. It's funny so many of my things are reflective of my mom. My paints and brushes, my sewing machine, fabric and scissors. My scrapbooks, papers, stamps, cards. All of a part of creating something beautiful. I'm finding all these things at her house and I see where I get it from. It makes me thankful. I'm thankful for the times we spent painting, and sewing (well she sewed, I watched) making cards, singing, always singing. The investment she made in my life that has continued to help me become a person that has something to invest in others. The gift of painting for a friend and sharing the joy of that with them. Every Saturday night when I play the piano at church or just sitting to play at home and letting the melodies drift through the house while my children sleep. All of that is a result the investment of her presence in my life. I want to challenge you... find someone to invest in. Find a friend, a neighbors kid and spend time with them. My favorite person in the world is the one I am with at that moment. Make them yours and watch the difference it makes in their life and in yours.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Daily Devotion

I get this devotionl every day and it is right on target. Just wanted to share with you what was in todays. I have no doubt that this is my season and my time:

SMALL STRAWS IN A SOFT WIND by Marsha Burns--02/02/12:
The repositioning that I have spoken to you about is beginning to take place,
says the Lord. It is no longer something that is out somewhere in the distant
future, but I tell you that you are even now starting to step over the threshold
into the next phase of spiritual experience and opportunity. Do not be afraid to
be bold in embracing all that I have for you in this season. For some, this will
seem to you like it has been a long time in coming, but in reality you are just
now situated or in the right position to receive. Rejoice!

2 Thessalonians 2:16 Now may our Lord Jesus Christ Himself, and our God
and Father, who has loved us and given us everlasting consolation and good hope
by grace, comfort your hearts and establish you in every good word and

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

The value of the process

I had a friend call me last night so excited about the changes I'm making. She was so happy and then begin to share with me that I should look in gastric bypass/lap band type surgeries. I hung up from her somewhat irritated, a little defeated feeling and then in very few seconds very very sure that this path I am on is as much about the process as it is about losing weight. I know that millions of Americans have had weight loss surgery, many of them have successfully kept it off. But it's not for me. I just can't take the easy way out. I need to feel the struggle of doing this. I told someone today, that I have grieved more for my mom in this last week than I have since she passed away in October. My mind, emotions and heart are in a totally different place than I have ever been. I'm very good at pushing through and pulling myself up by my bootstraps. But since my mom passed away, I haven't been able to do that. I've been so depressed, so disheartened, and felt so alone. Reaching the depths of despair that I've been in has broken something in me. Something that I think on this side of things needed to break. And in the breaking of that has caused me to break through some of the emotions that I work so hard to keep in check. I've been able to cry and admit that I've been angry at God for taking both of my parents last year. I've been able to admit that I've felt blindsided and even used the F word.... FAIR... it's not fair! But in the past week, I've been able to simply be. I've been able to say it's ok to grieve, to cry, to be angry and to say that I can't continue to live like this. Being able to focus on getting healthy has had a great side effect of releasing some of the closed up areas of my heart and through that I'm learning to appreciate the process. It's hard, it's going to continue to be hard and a struggle but nothing easy is worth having. I know that the struggle will push me closer to God, it will push me closer to being real, and to being who I'm supposed to be. I put a status on my facebook today that said: There is a difference in being broken and being crushed. Brokeness can be fixed with superglue. It's in the crushing that we become so broken beyond repair that only God can make us into who He called us to be. This is my crushing process. This is how I become who I was always destined to be. But I don't regret the process for through it I am learning how to walk in who I am, how to let go and how be crushed.