One Whisper from God

I've started writing 3 or 4 times the past few weeks and had to erase and start over. Maybe today I will get out what is so deeply in my heart.

As you know the past few weeks have been a huge struggle. I have felt so beaten up and abused emotionally that this weekend I actually thought to myself "God please take me now, because I can't do this anymore". I've been amazed at how connected my emotions are to my desire to eat and hugely blessed because even though I wanted to stop and get a dozen KK donuts, I didn't. I called Christine and poured my heart out, let her love me through it and the donuts weren't necessary. I've been having migraines on top of everything else which forced me Friday to go to my sweet Heather's house in the middle of the day and say if you can't make it go away I'm going to the ER. She massaged, rubbed, prayed, loved, talked and left me to lay in peace for about 30 min. It was exactly what I needed. I'm learning more and more through this process that I am different. That I am called to be different. And when I try to force myself to fit in the expectations and beliefs of others that it sets off alarms in my spirit and my body, and if I don't heed the warnings my body revolts.  A couple of weeks ago I went to my mom's with our box truck and some of my boys from work to pick up the furniture that was coming home with me. I got to the house before everyone else and it was the first time I've been there by myself since she passed away. (I hate typing that. I HATE it!). As I walked through the house, I felt at home, which I haven't felt since the funeral. There's something about your parents house. Even if you didn't grow up in it, when you visit, it's your parents home. You are comfortable, you are safe, it represents them in your life. I haven't had that feeling the last few months, but in those few precious moments as I walked around, touching everything, it felt like home and I started sobbing. I melted into the floor and for about an hour just sobbed and sobbed. For the brief time it was my mom's house again and I was welcome and I just cried out all the pain, hurt feelings, rejection and abondoment that I have been feeling since losing my parents and the months following. They were amazing tears that cleansed deep places in my heart. I needed that so badly. The truck arrived and as they loaded furniture we talked about her house, and her things. One guy picked up some old cologne bottles that were shaped like cars and said "Hey, my grandfather had one of these" and we talked about the large "collection" of everything that she had and we laughed at some of the really weird items. I got to share who my mom was and all the things she shared with me, the legacy that I have because of the doors she opened for me. I talked about how much my mom loved Waypoint and how she loved coming to our monthly lunch and how she would have made over them for getting their life on track. How she would have written their names down and prayed for them. She loved people. She didn't always know how to show it in socially acceptable ways, but she loved people. I get that from her. I value relationships more than any "thing". I see the value in people and I know that they can't be replaced. I would rather save a relationship and lose everything. I'm thankful for that in
my life.

This past Sunday as I sat in our monthly Tree of Life meeting (a ministry that I work with that does counseling and teaching) God began to trigger my heart and show me more of the root of all the rejection, abondonment, etc. (This will make sense to my EH peeps, others just ask and I will try to explain) I realized the hurt I carried from my childhood and the hurt I feel now were exactly the same. Because as I struggle with having healthy relationships in my family, I realized that I NEVER felt like I fit in my family. I always felt different. My memories as a child all revolve around people telling me I was in the way, I talked to much and I was obnoxious. I was always seen as irresponsible, the baby of the family and I felt like I had no value. I see that I have spent my whole life looking for people who would love me FOR me, not in SPITE of me. I wanted to show them that I am worth loving for me and I've finally realized that I can't convince them. Sunday, God just held me heart and assured me that He knows my pain, He understands and that is why He gave me the people in my life that have filled that void. Someone told me, I think it was my sweet Heather, "everyone you meet loves you. Stop trying to be something your not" . Well I hear you. After intense feelings of hopelessness, depression and feeling alone, of crying all the time and falling into bed exhausted, this morning something broke. One word, one whisper from God changes everything. I just needed to hear from Him.

Maybe you are struggling. Maybe you can't seem to find the answer you need. Ask God. I promise He knows what you need and when you need it.