The Broken Heart

I have discovered these past few weeks that I feel like I have multiple personalities. I'm always amazed that at times when I'm broken, devastated and struggling is when I also seem spiritually strong (weak), Wise (so not) and close to God (where is He again). I feel so undone in my life right now. Don't be nice to me, I might start sobbing on you. Don't be mean... same result. I went to a football game for our hometown that we moved from a year ago and yelled "Go Indians" and promptly burst into tears. It's a dicey road friends let me tell you.... you should probably pray for my husband.

Yesterday as I drove home, I ended up alone in my car and had the ability to just spend some time with the music off and thinking. I do my best thinking in my car. Maybe it's the silence and  the ability to be undisturbed that allows our minds to wonder and see into where we are. My conversation yesterday started with just a cry from my heart going God, I can't handle any more heartbreak. I saw in my minds eye every piece of my heart laying around me. Shattered, broken into pieces. I'm frantically grabbing them, pulling them toward me, desperately trying to put them together again. Trying to make them fit together to form a whole. As I meditated on this picture I heard very clearly God say to me "Stop. Stop trying to fix your heart. I can't use you unless it's broken." (yes, I'm already crying as I type this)

Is it easy? No, it hurts. Can I just tell you... it hurts. It is a pain that I hate experiencing, I hate walking through. I hate watching relationships in my life change and people in my life move in and out and look differently. I hate not being able to control what is going to happen. But I know, I know, I know that God uses brokenness as a means to make us aware. He  has opened my eyes to things that I miss. Things like:

-People at church that I never make time to speak to b/c I'm so busy with the people I've been close too. 
- The mother at Wal mart that I saw adding her items in her grocery cart trying to decide if she can afford that gallon of milk.
- The friend on facebook that I see is crying out for attention b/c they are lonely and feels like no one cares but would never admit it out loud.
- That person that has always wanted to be my friend but I never saw them because their quiet spirit was lost around so many others in my life that were so loud.

And these are just things in my immediate life that need a radical encounter with the Jesus that I say I love so much.

God is putting my heart together again. I firmly believe that as He is putting together he is joining the pieces with a true love for His people around me.  Do you know what I've realized? All my friends that I am around on a daily basis are Christians. I don't want that anymore. I love my church, and I love the people that walk this faith life with me. But I can't justify anywhere in the Bible that tells me to cloister myself in a group of people just like me all the live long day. It tells me to love my neighbor. It tells me to love my enemies. It tells me that the very Spirit of God is on me to take good news to the poor and offer freedom for the captives. If our churches are hospitals and we as believers are the caregivers.... where are the sick people. They are laying on the street dying and no one ever sees. I haven't seen. I walk right by them every day. At the grocery store, at Wal-Mart, at the gas station. People are bleeding and dying and I miss it. Oh God I miss it. So while my broken heart is painful- it is bringing out a radical awakening in my life. What is it going to look like as I walk it out? I have no earthly idea. I just know I can't live a grand commitment to religiosity anymore. I must live a life committed to Christ-whatever it looks like, whatever it costs.

So this is a new journey.... I think I've decided to take a jump off that cliff. Here goes nothing. Here is everything. Use me Lord. Just use me.