The value of the process

I had a friend call me last night so excited about the changes I'm making. She was so happy and then begin to share with me that I should look in gastric bypass/lap band type surgeries. I hung up from her somewhat irritated, a little defeated feeling and then in very few seconds very very sure that this path I am on is as much about the process as it is about losing weight. I know that millions of Americans have had weight loss surgery, many of them have successfully kept it off. But it's not for me. I just can't take the easy way out. I need to feel the struggle of doing this. I told someone today, that I have grieved more for my mom in this last week than I have since she passed away in October. My mind, emotions and heart are in a totally different place than I have ever been. I'm very good at pushing through and pulling myself up by my bootstraps. But since my mom passed away, I haven't been able to do that. I've been so depressed, so disheartened, and felt so alone. Reaching the depths of despair that I've been in has broken something in me. Something that I think on this side of things needed to break. And in the breaking of that has caused me to break through some of the emotions that I work so hard to keep in check. I've been able to cry and admit that I've been angry at God for taking both of my parents last year. I've been able to admit that I've felt blindsided and even used the F word.... FAIR... it's not fair! But in the past week, I've been able to simply be. I've been able to say it's ok to grieve, to cry, to be angry and to say that I can't continue to live like this. Being able to focus on getting healthy has had a great side effect of releasing some of the closed up areas of my heart and through that I'm learning to appreciate the process. It's hard, it's going to continue to be hard and a struggle but nothing easy is worth having. I know that the struggle will push me closer to God, it will push me closer to being real, and to being who I'm supposed to be. I put a status on my facebook today that said: There is a difference in being broken and being crushed. Brokeness can be fixed with superglue. It's in the crushing that we become so broken beyond repair that only God can make us into who He called us to be. This is my crushing process. This is how I become who I was always destined to be. But I don't regret the process for through it I am learning how to walk in who I am, how to let go and how be crushed.